The blonde was told that on their 21st birthdays, each of her older brothers was able to walk on water. So, to maintain the family tradition, on her own 21st birthday she went down to the lake, walked out onto the pier, and stepped off onto the water. She went right to the bottom and rescuers had to pull her out….
…
Later, during her recovery at the hospital, she explained to her parents why she’d done it.
“Oh, Dear,” her mother said, “you don’t understand. The reason you can’t walk on water on your birthday is that you were born in August. Your brothers were both born in February.”
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says “John what are you so happy for?”
“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and a redhead came up to me… тiтs out to here, Dave, тiтs out to here!
She says “Can I have a ride in your boat?”
“I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said ‘Its either sсrеw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Dave, she couldn’t swim!!.”
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a вiggеr smile on his face.
Dave says “What are you so happy about today John?”
“Well Dave… I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing’ my boat, just waxing’ my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me… тiтs out to here, Dave, тiтs out to here! She said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ “Sure you can have a ride in my boat.”
So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said ‘Its either sсrеw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim!!, Dave, she couldn’t swim!!!!.”
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a вееr.
Dave says “John, what are you so sad for?”
“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya…. Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me… тiтs WAY out to here, Dave, тiтs WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says “Can I have a ride in your boat?”
“Sure you can have a ride in my boat.”
So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her тiтs and said ‘Its either sсrеw or swim!!’.
Then, she pulled down her pants…. she had a diск, Dave !!!
She had a great BIG fuскing diск!!! ……… Dave, ….. I CAN’T SWIM!!!”
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
“There are no fish under the ice.”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
“There are no fish under the ice.”
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
“There are no fish under the ice.”
She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
“Is that you lord?”
The voice replied,
“No, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.”
I was sitting in my office when a case came in. So I finished two bottles from it. I was tough, so tough I wore my clothes out from the inside.
Suddenly a tall blonde walked past my window. I knew she was tall because I was on the second floor.
The phone rang and I knew something was wrong. I didn’t have a phone.
It was a girl and she was in trouble. I knew she was, ’cause she said so.
I raced down the stairs and called a cab. The cab stopped with a jеrк. Then the jеrк got out and I got in.
We took the corner at hundred kilometers per hour, but a cop stopped us and told us to put the corner back.
We kept on the pavement, because there was a sign that said:
“Keep Death Off Our Roads”.
Then we were out of the city. I knew it, because we were not hitting so many pedestrians.
As we came to her house, she greeted me with a burning kiss. Then she took the cigarette out and kissed me again.
She pointed two thirty-eights at me. She also had a gun.
She had the most beautiful blonde hair I have ever seen - hanging from her left nostril.
She had teeth like the ten commandments - all broken.
She also had the most beautiful eyes - so beautiful that the one eye could not stop looking at the other one.
There was a man on the floor. He had stab wounds in his heart, bullet wounds in his head and his wrists were slashed. He was dead.
I said:
“Lady, if this man was alive, he sure would be ill”. So I took her for a drive to calm her nerves.
Suddenly a brick came flying through the window and hit her on the left вrеаsт - breaking three of my fingers.
We had a flat tire, so I pumped and she pumped and I pumped. Then we got out and fixed the flat tire.
Then I took her home and as I was kissing her goodnight, her father opened the door and stepped on my back, almost breaking it.
As I was giving her a final good-night kiss, she closed her legs and broke my nose.