1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole? 2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag. 3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning! 4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized? 5. I was about to go маsтurвате and I needed a name to go with your face. 6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shiт just to see where it came from. 7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in. 8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuск. 9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that аss! 10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays? 11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you! 12. Your parents must be rетаrdеd, because you are special. 13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside? 14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69? 15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat. 16. Guy:
"Would you like to dance?" Girl:
"I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you." Guy:
"I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fат in those pants" 17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house. 18. Fuск me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda? 19. I love every воnе in your body - especially mine. 20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield? 22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room. 23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you вlоw the hеll out of me. 24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be. 25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? 26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too. 28. I'd like to sсrеw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it. 29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
-A LIST OF EVERYTHING WRONG BIEBER HAS DONE- 27. Declared his retirement on Christmas Eve (December 2013)
26. Was photographed smoking рот (January 2013)
25. Showed up to a concert in London two hours late on a school night; booed by fans (March 2013)
24. Kicked out of a nightclub in Chicago for drinking underage (July 2013)
23. Hosted a loud party at his home, which provoked neighbors to call the cops three times (November 2013)
22. Created graffiti on a hotel in Australia (November 2013) Was stopped at the Canadian border under suspicion of a tour bus connected with his tour having drugs on board (July 2013)
21. Got evicted from a London nightclub on his birthday for stinking the place up with рот and accused of attempting to sneak in his underage friend Jaden Smith; Bieber denied that accusation (March 2013)
20. Rumored to have had three bongs, two large cookie jars filled with рот, and the ingredients for Sizzurp in his house; cops were unable to seize any of it, because it would have exceeded their warrant; LA Sheriff's department denied the claims (January 2014)
19. Got detained at customs in Australia for suspicion of drug possession and using foul language (December 2013)
18. Forced his bodyguards to carry him up the Great Wall of China (October 2013)
17. Got into a fight with a paparazzo; аssаulт charges were never filed (May 2012)
16. Got into a “scuffle” with a DJ in South Korea who refused to play his requests (October 2013)
15. Was photographed apparently spitting on his fans; Bieber denies that’s what happened (July 2013)
14. Allegedly spit at a DJ, who filed a police report for the incident (July 2013)
13. Allegedly started a bar brawl in a New York nightclub, although he wasn’t personally involved in the fight (August 2013)
12. Peed in a bucket in the kitchen of a restaurant where he was eating (July 2013)
11. Was rumored to have cheated on Selena Gomez, causing their break-up (February 2013)
10. Got charged with a driving offense for driving up to 100 MPH in an attempt to lose the paparazzi that were following him (July 2012)
9. Groped a stripper at a sтriр club (October 2013)
8. Allegedly had drugs and a stun gun on his tour bus in Sweden, apprehended by police (April 2013)
7. Got himself barred from Germany for not paying an outstanding $800,000 fine (August 2013)
6. Was photographed coming out of a brothel in Brazil; the girl he allegedly slept with released a video of him sleeping online (November 2013)
5. Accused of egging his neighbor’s house and causing $20,000 worth of damages, making it a felony; Bieber's house was searched and his friend Lil Za was arrested (January 2014)
4. Accused of spitting at and threatening to кill his neighbor, who confronted him about his reckless driving; no charges were filed (October 2013)
3. Allegedly hit a paparazzo with his car; charges were later dismissed (July 2013)
2. Got arrested on charges of drag racing in a residential area, driving under the influence, resisting arrest, and driving with an expired license (January 2014)
1. Abandoned his pet monkey, OG Mally, in Germany after the animal was seized when Bieber couldn’t produce the right paperwork to take it on tour (March 2013)
3 Dustbin Men, the driver and two other men, are going on their rounds asking for Christmas bonuses which they do yearly.
They stop at the first house and one man runs in and a women gives him £5. They move on to another house and a bloke gives him £6.
They pull up to the next house and the man runs in knocks on the door and a women answers and says “oh yes..come upstairs with me”..without reply he goes up and she gives him a good shаgging! Once they are finished she says now go and get your mate and tell him to come in for his ‘bonus’. He goes out, tells his mate “go in get your bonus, she’ll show you a вlооdy good time, one hеll of a bonus!” He goes in, she shows him upstairs and true to her word he gets a good fuск.
When their finished she says “go and get your driver and send him in for his bonus”, off he goes and says to the driver- “driver its your turn now, go on my son its one hеll of a Christmas bonus” so of he goes. He steps in the door very excited and instead of taking him upstairs she reaches for her purse and pulls out £5 and gives it to him. He says “what the hеll is this, you give my two friends the time of their life and you give me this?!”
She turns round and explains “I had strict instructions from my husband, he said ‘give a fiver to the driver and fuск the other two!!!'”
IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT, since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.
This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.
Merry Christmas.
Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in Westby next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in Westby.
When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.
He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"