Christmas Jokes

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What is a correct name for an old snowman? Puddle.

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Santa is with us throughout our lives, although his presence can be categorized in four main stages:
1. You are a believer in Santa.
2. You are not a believer in Santa.
3. You pretend to be Santa.
4. You look like Santa without even trying.

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Mum, are we going to have Grandpa Joe for Christmas?
No, darling, Just the turkey.

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Santa has a good employment package. 1 month – Santa Claus, 11 months – Santa pause.

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What goes oh-oh-oh? Santa doing the moonwalk.

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Oh, by the way – the book I gave you for Christmas must be returned to the library next week.

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What does Santa say when he enters the toy workshop near Christmas?
Alright everybody, sacking time!

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Two idiots roam the woods looking for a nice Christmas tree. After hours of freezing and chasing away the odd wolf, one of the them brings down the axe and says, “OK that’s it. I’m taking the next right-sized tree we see and I don’t give a dime if it’s decorated or not!”

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What keeps falling but never gets hurt?
The snow.

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I heard of a guy who shoplifted an Advent calendar. He got 24 days.

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Dad, and where is Santa from?”
“Well, judging by the majority of the gifts, I’d say he is from China.”

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When the three kings came to visit newborn Jesus, one of them slipped on the straw and twisted his ankle. “Jesus Сhrisт!” he yelled in pain.
Mary looked questioningly at Joseph and said, “That actually sounds a lot better than Chester, doesn’t it?”

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When I was buying our Christmas tree, the cheery seller asked if I’d be putting it up myself.
Disgusting man, I’ll be putting it in our living room of course!

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“Darling, what do you think we should give Granny for Christmas?”
“The most precious thing we have!”
“Oh, what’s that?”
“Our children for babysitting!”
Little Johnny by the Christmas tree:
“And are all these gifts from Santa?”
“Yes Johnny,” beams his mother.
“Oh, so you didn’t get me a dаrn thing again this year, did you.”

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A dog is gazing up at the Christmas tree and sighs with satisfaction, “Oh, my master is the best, as always. What dog can say they’ve had electrical lights installed in their indoor toilet?”

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Dear Santa, this year, I really don’t need you to bring me anything. Actually, could you possibly take away my mother in law?

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“Boss, can I take tomorrow off? My wife really needs help with Christmas cleaning,” asks Joe.
“Are you out of your head, man? I can’t give you a day off for this!” rumbles the boss.
“Oh thanks a lot, boss,” Joe smiles, relieved, “I knew I could rely on you!”

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Christmas is on my mind the whole 12 months before it comes.
It is also on my Visa bill the whole 12 months afterwards.

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