Jokes about Cowboys and Indians
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington. Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research, the War, and such. I'll gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon, you'd say the President is a sаinт."
The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and said, "The Church is in desperate need of funds. I will do it."
Bush pompously showed up that following Sunday, looking especially smug, smirking for his photo op, while strutting his way, cowboy-style, into the church.
As the sermon started the Bishop began his homily:
"George Bush is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite as well as a niтwiт. He is a liar, a cheat, probably still a drunк, and a low-intelligence sneaky weasel. He has lied about his military record, and then had the gall to put himself in uniform on a military jet, landing on a carrier, and then posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.'
He invaded a country for oil and money, all the while lying to the American people about the war, with nary a care for the thousands of lives it has taken and continues to take. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known or known of. But compared to Diск Cheney, George Bush is a sаinт."
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gаy bar. “But what the heck,” he says to himself, I really want a drink.”
When the gаy waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your реnis?” The cowboy says, Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”
The gаy waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your реnis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because ‘It really Satisfies’.”
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a вееr, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?” The man looks back and says with a smile “TIMEX”
The thirsty cowboy asks, “Why Timex?”
The fella proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’!”
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella’s on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, ” So, what do you guys call yours?”
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because Quality is Job One.” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?” The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY … Like A Rock!” And gives a wink.
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my реnis is SECRET. Now give me a вееr.”
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a вееr, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why Secret?”
The cowboy says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !!
Following the unloading of the cattle in stockyard, this cowboy headed to a restaurant for dinner. The only seat was next to a lady who looked wealthy and educated. He couldn’t help overhearing her order.
“I’ll have a вrеаsт of fowl, virgin fowl, make sure it’s a virgin, catch it yourself, garnish my plate with onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot, not too cold, and waiter, open the windows, I smell a horse, there must be a cowboy in here.”
Thoroughly рissеd off, the cowboy placed his order.
“I’ll have a duck, a fcuked duck, make sure it’s fcuked, fсuк it yourself, garnish my plate with horse sh1t, a cup of coffee, strong as mule рiss, вlоw the foam off with a fаrт, and waiter, kick down the wall, I smell a c*nt, there must be a whоrе in the house.”
I'm driving from Santa Fe to Albuquerque when I see an American Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground. Curious, I pull over, walk up to him and ask, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" He says,
"Silver 1991 Chevy station wagon, one man, one woman, two children". I say, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the road?" He says,
"Heck no, they just ran me over".
A cowboy finds himself captured by a tribe of Native Americans…
Anywhooo, the Natives tell the cowboy since he is their enemy they must put him to death. But, as is their custom, they won’t do so until he has spent 3 nights in their camp and each night, they shall grant him a wish.
As the first day, he says “I wish to speak to my horse again”. They say fine and he goes and whispers something to the horse. The horse takes off running. A few hours later, the horse returns with a beautiful nакеd blonde woman. The cowboy takes the woman into the woods and makes love to her all night.
The 2nd day, he says “I wish to speak to my horse.” They say fine and he goes and whispers something to the horse. The horse takes off running. A few hours later, the horse returns with a beautiful nакеd brunette woman. The cowboy takes the woman into the woods and makes love to her all night.
The 3rd day, the Native’s tell him… “this is your last night alive, choose your wish wisely”
He replies…”Okay, I’d like to speak to my horse again.”
He goes over to his horse, but he is so fired up, he can’t whisper anymore and he screams at his horse “Dамn it….I’m saying Posse!!!!!”
A redneck is hiking through the woods with two Native Americans. They happen across a cave. one of the Natives yells, "Whoop! Whoop!"
Another voice calls from the cave. "Whoop! Whoop!"
The man strips nакеd and runs into the cave.
"What was all that about?" The redneck asks.
The other Native explains, "It's our mating ritual. A woman who is ready to mate will wait in a cave. If we come across a cave, we yell inside. If we hear a call back, we know we can go in and mate with her."
A few minutes later, they come across another cave. "Whoop! Whoop!"
"Whoop! Whoop!"
Without hesitation, the second Native took off his clothes and ran inside.
All alone, the redneck continued on his way. Eventually, he came across a very large cave. *There must be a large, beautiful woman in here!* He thought. "Whoop! Whoop!"
"Whoooop! Whooooop!"
*Wow, she's got a voice. Sounds like she's larger and beautifuler than I imagined!* He strips off his clothes and runs into the cave.
\--- The next day, the headline in the newspaper read:
Naked redneck run over by train.