Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

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A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests the doctor comes in and says,
"I've got some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3 months to live." The patient is shocked, "Oh my god! Well what's the good news then, doctor?" The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big вrеаsтs, tight аss and legs that go all the way up to heaven?" The patient says,
"Yes." The doctor smiles and replies,
"I'm ваnging her!"

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A guy walks in to see his doctor, and the doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I just can't seem to make friends with anyone," the guy replies. "Can you help me, you fат ugly ваsтаrd?"

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A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

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"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient.
"I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid."
"The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."

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A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
He asks "What do you mean?"
So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "Your really blonde, aren't you?"
She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"
Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."

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A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterward, the doctor comes into her room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child."
The woman worriedly asks, "What's wrong with it?"
The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different. It's a hermaphrodite."
The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite? What's that?"
The doctor replies, "It has both male and female features."
The woman looks relieved. "Oh, you mean it has a реnis AND a brain?"

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You Did What With A What?
A woman went to the doctor's and complained of being really sore.
"Do you have any idea why?"
"Well, I had sеx with an elephant!"
"You did? But elephants are known to have small penises!"
"Yeah, but he fingered me first."

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A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sреrм, and the sреrм bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sреrм bank," she says with her mouth full.

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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?'
The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob:
'We're about to get married.
Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist:
'Of course we do.'
Jacob:
'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist:
'All kinds.'
Jacob:
'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist:
'Definitely.'
Jacob:
'How about Viаgrа?'
Pharmacist:
'Of course.'
Jacob:
'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist:
'Yes, a large variety.
The works.'
Jacob:
'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist:
'Absolutely.'
Jacob:
'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist:
'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist:
'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

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First man:
"I follow the medical profession."
Second man:
"Are you a doctor?"
First man:
"No, I'm an undertaker."

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How did the tugboat get AIDS?
It was rear-ended by a ferry.

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When Chuck Norris first saw Dragon Ball Z he thought it was a series of easy workout videos.

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Patient:
"Doctor, I can’t sleep."
Doctor:
"Lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off."

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A patient to his friend:
"I am taking rest cure."
Friend:
"What do you do?"
Patient:
"I sit every day for three hours in the waiting room of a very busy doctor."

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Patient:
"Doctor, I feel there are two of me."
Doctor:
"Very well, I shall see you, one at a time."

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A man with a bad rash on his hands went to his doctor.
The latter examined his hands carefully for sometime and consulted many large volumes on his shelves.
Finally, he asked the patient:
"Have you had this trouble before?"
He answered:
"Yes."
Doctor said:
"You have again got it."

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‘Doctor, I suffer from premature еjасulатiоn.
Can you help me?!’
‘No, but I can introduce you to a woman with a short attention span!’

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A man rushes out of his wife's hospital room.
"Doctor, doctor -- my wife's been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left вrеаsт, she sighed!"
"That's very encouraging," says the doctor. "Go back and touch her right вrеаsт. See if she reacts."
A few minutes later, the man rushes out again:
"Doctor, she moaned!"
"Very good," says the doctor.
"Now try оrаl sеx.
She should certainly react to that!"
Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet.
"Doctor -- she died."
"No! What happened?" the doctor exclaims.
"Well, doc," the man says tearfully, "she choked."

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