Food Jokes

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One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.
He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"
Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door.
Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!"
It was Mrs. Claus and she said startled "I brought you some food."
His face tuning red, he says "I've got a half hour left to check this list, I can't be interrupted!" He then slammed the door on his wife. He then says "I swear, the next interruption I get I'll just lose it."
About 20 minutes passed when he heard a knock at the door. He stormed to the door with a burning hatred when he opened it. It was an angel holding a Christmas tree. "Hey Santa, where do you want the tree?"

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What is Santa's favorite snack food?
What else, Hostess Но Но's...

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During the first few weeks at my new job someone kept stealing my sandwiches from the work fridge. One day I decided to make them a cat food sandwich, the stealing has now stopped.

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What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

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Yo mama so fат, she masterbates to the food channel

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A woman is like canned food: one opens and everyone eats.

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A customer in a restuarant orders a bowl of soup. However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
"Can you please taste the soup?"
"What's wrong with the soup?"
"Just taste it."
"Why?"
"Just taste it."
"Sir, I--"
"Just taste it."
"Fine, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?"
"Exactly. Bring me a g**dамn spoon."

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Do you ever notice from the time you hang up the phone until the pizza guy shows up, the only conversation you have is 'Where in the hеll is our pizza?'

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Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.

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A cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremely slow motion.

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I had friends in high school that used to do speed. Actually, they used to take diet pills, cheap speed, and they talked me into trying it one time. They're like, 'You won't want to eat anything.' Didn't have that affect on me at all -- I just ate really fast.

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It says, 'It's safest to let them sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.' Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you're drunк, sтоnеd or really fат, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I've eaten weirder things.

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Waitress: Haven't they giving you a menu yet, mister?
Starving customer: Yes, but I finished that half an hour ago.

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Do you ever get the waiter who wants to tell you his name? I don't want to know your name. I've got stuff to do. I mean, I'm a really nice guy, but I already have friends. If you're going to Applebee's to make friends with the wait staff, you've got a whole bunch of other problems.

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They have like 300 or 400 signs on the highway to try and get you to come to this attraction. And they have a million different ones and they say different things like, 'Wall Drug: Free ice water.' Tells you about the caliber of attraction we're dealing with. That wasn't even the best one, the best one said, 'Wall Drug: Free doughnut for Vietnam veterans.' Yeah. Couple things about that. One: doughnut -- singular. 'Take it easy lieutenant, maybe move on to the ice water.' I also just love the idea of a guy holding a glazed, being like, 'You know, it was all worth it.'

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Actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
* A speed limit sign:
"Smile, You're on Radar!"
* Seen in a State Park: (A large sign with a rock hanging on a rope) "Weather Station: Check the rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."
* Notice in a field:
"The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."
* Sign seen in a small restaurant:
"Thanks for visiting. If you liked the food, send your friends. Otherwise, send your mother-in-law."

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Being Puerto Rican in New York, I grew up -- I swear to you -- thinking that White Castle hamburgers was traditional, indigenous Puerto Rican food.

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The national vegetation cross-breeding championship was underway, and a couple of ladies were perusingall of the edible fare that were exhibited.
"Look at these strange vegetables," remarked Sally. "Peas cross-bred with carrots, broccoli with corn; how unusual the way they look when farmers do this to our food."
"What are the chances that food as strange looking as these are okay to eat?" asked Mary.
"I think the odds are pretty good," said Sally.
"Well, I think the GOODS are pretty odd." Mary replied. "I'll pass!"

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