Food Jokes

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During the first few weeks at my new job someone kept stealing my sandwiches from the work fridge. One day I decided to make them a cat food sandwich, the stealing has now stopped.

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He wakes up, and he wants a cookie for breakfast. He knows she's going to say no. So, he comes to me at six o'clock in the morning. You're an intelligent man. If somebody looks at you at six o'clock in the morning and goes, 'I want a cookieee!', what do you do? You give him the cookie. He could've asked for сrаск; I would've said, 'Come over here with the pipe. Let's get high and watch "Rugrats" together.'

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What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

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A woman is like canned food: one opens and everyone eats.

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A customer in a restuarant orders a bowl of soup. However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
"Can you please taste the soup?"
"What's wrong with the soup?"
"Just taste it."
"Why?"
"Just taste it."
"Sir, I--"
"Just taste it."
"Fine, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?"
"Exactly. Bring me a g**dамn spoon."

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Do you ever notice from the time you hang up the phone until the pizza guy shows up, the only conversation you have is 'Where in the hеll is our pizza?'

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Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.

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A cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremely slow motion.

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I had friends in high school that used to do speed. Actually, they used to take diet pills, cheap speed, and they talked me into trying it one time. They're like, 'You won't want to eat anything.' Didn't have that affect on me at all -- I just ate really fast.

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It says, 'It's safest to let them sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.' Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you're drunк, sтоnеd or really fат, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I've eaten weirder things.

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As a poor kid, I really had to scrounge for food. When the local McDonald’s locked their dumpsters, I used to sneak into оrgiеs to eat the grapes.

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Waitress: Haven't they giving you a menu yet, mister?
Starving customer: Yes, but I finished that half an hour ago.

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They have like 300 or 400 signs on the highway to try and get you to come to this attraction. And they have a million different ones and they say different things like, 'Wall Drug: Free ice water.' Tells you about the caliber of attraction we're dealing with. That wasn't even the best one, the best one said, 'Wall Drug: Free doughnut for Vietnam veterans.' Yeah. Couple things about that. One: doughnut -- singular. 'Take it easy lieutenant, maybe move on to the ice water.' I also just love the idea of a guy holding a glazed, being like, 'You know, it was all worth it.'

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Actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
* A speed limit sign:
"Smile, You're on Radar!"
* Seen in a State Park: (A large sign with a rock hanging on a rope) "Weather Station: Check the rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."
* Notice in a field:
"The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."
* Sign seen in a small restaurant:
"Thanks for visiting. If you liked the food, send your friends. Otherwise, send your mother-in-law."

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Being Puerto Rican in New York, I grew up -- I swear to you -- thinking that White Castle hamburgers was traditional, indigenous Puerto Rican food.

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The national vegetation cross-breeding championship was underway, and a couple of ladies were perusingall of the edible fare that were exhibited.
"Look at these strange vegetables," remarked Sally. "Peas cross-bred with carrots, broccoli with corn; how unusual the way they look when farmers do this to our food."
"What are the chances that food as strange looking as these are okay to eat?" asked Mary.
"I think the odds are pretty good," said Sally.
"Well, I think the GOODS are pretty odd." Mary replied. "I'll pass!"

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Lazy Husband
"I`m ashamed of the way we live," wife said to her lazy husband, our Santa, who refused to find a job.
"My father pays our rent, my mother buys all of our food, my sister buys our clothes, my aunt bought us a car. I`m just so ashamed."
Santa rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a thing!"

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Eating too much pi, can give you a large circumference.

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