I have this friend. His name is Sam Katz.
One day he bragged to me that, "Everyone knows Sam Katz!"
I said,
"You don't know the president of the United States." He said , "Let's go to the White House and I'll prove it."
So we went to the White House and Barack Obama greeted him and said to him, "Hey Sam Katz! How are you doing?"
After all the greetings I said,
"You don't know Queen Elizabeth."
He said,
"Let's go to Buckingham Palace and I'll prove it."
So we go there and the Queen says "Sam Katz, so good to see you again!"
After the greetings I said to him, "Okay. One last person, you don't know the pope."
He said,
"Let's go to the Vatican and you wait outside and we'll come outside by the window and wave to you."
So that's exactly what we do. The next thing I do is faint.
My friend asked me, "What happened to you? I tell him, "It was one thing when you knew the president. It was another thing when you knew the queen. But when you came out with the pope by the window, and the guy next to me asked,
"Who's the guy with Sam Katz?" I completely lost it.
A priest, a doctor and a lawyer are stuck behind a particularly slow groups of golfers. After three holes, they complain to the club secretary.
“Sorry, chaps, that’s a group of blind firemen,” he explains, “they lost their sight saving our clubhouse from burning down last year, so we let them play here for free any time they want.”
“That’s so sad,” says the priest, “I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
“Good idea,” says the doctor, “I’ll contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there’s anything he can do.”
“That’s all very well,” says the lawyer, “but why can’t they play at night?”
75 year old rings her local hospital:
‘Hello I’d like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised, or improved?’
‘Do you know which ward she is in?’
‘Yes, ward P, room 2B’
‘I’ll just put you through to the nurse station.’
‘Hello, ward P, how can I help?’
‘I’d just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?’
‘I’ll just check her notes…
I’m pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree’s condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.’
‘Oh that’s wonderful news, I’m so happy; thank you ever so much!’
‘You seem very relieved. Are you a close friend or relative?’
‘No, I’m Mrs Tiptree in room 2B. Nobody tells you fuск all in here.’
A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy man's truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.
Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said,
"Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."
The Army man agreed this was a good idea. So the Navy man offered, "Why don't we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vоdка? I have a bottle in the truck."
The Army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the Navy man, being a gentleman, offered the Army man the first drink, and told the Army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the Navy man who said,
"Thanks, but I'll wait till after the cops get here!"
*Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.
*Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
*The average 10-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
*Being bad is no longer cool.
*You have friends who have kids.
*Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
*You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's Playland.
*Your parents' jokes are now funny.
*You once said,
"What-chu talkin'
'bout Willis?" or "Know whatta mean, Vern?"
*You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson's "Thriller."
*You would rather wear your dirтy clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
*Naps are good.
*You once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever."
*When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
*You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
*You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
*You want clothes for Christmas.
*You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
*You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it's a shot of you from behind.