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Friendship Jokes

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A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was 'all torn up'. "What happened?" he asked.
"Well, we were hunting the Mamba snake. It has orange and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck."
"Go on." the friend said.
"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward, just as the procedure goes."
"So why are you so beaten up?" the friend asked.
"Have you ever 'goosed' a tiger?"
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When someone stops me to ask for directions I always give them directions to my house. Then I say to myself “See you in 20 minutes my new best friend”.
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Amy and Judy are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.
"I'm so sorry for you. As I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day," replies Judy.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
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I have this friend. His name is Sam Katz.
One day he bragged to me that, "Everyone knows Sam Katz!"
I said,
"You don't know the president of the United States." He said , "Let's go to the White House and I'll prove it."
So we went to the White House and Barack Obama greeted him and said to him, "Hey Sam Katz! How are you doing?"
After all the greetings I said,
"You don't know Queen Elizabeth."
He said,
"Let's go to Buckingham Palace and I'll prove it."
So we go there and the Queen says "Sam Katz, so good to see you again!"
After the greetings I said to him, "Okay. One last person, you don't know the pope."
He said,
"Let's go to the Vatican and you wait outside and we'll come outside by the window and wave to you."
So that's exactly what we do. The next thing I do is faint.
My friend asked me, "What happened to you? I tell him, "It was one thing when you knew the president. It was another thing when you knew the queen. But when you came out with the pope by the window, and the guy next to me asked,
"Who's the guy with Sam Katz?" I completely lost it.
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A priest, a doctor and a lawyer are stuck behind a particularly slow groups of golfers. After three holes, they complain to the club secretary.
“Sorry, chaps, that’s a group of blind firemen,” he explains, “they lost their sight saving our clubhouse from burning down last year, so we let them play here for free any time they want.”
“That’s so sad,” says the priest, “I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
“Good idea,” says the doctor, “I’ll contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there’s anything he can do.”
“That’s all very well,” says the lawyer, “but why can’t they play at night?”
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I told my friend I wanted to join the military. My friend told me that the coast guard wouldn’t take me because I’m not six feet tall.
"Why does a person need to be six feet tall?" I asked.
He said,
"That way if your boat goes down you can wade to shore."
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Want to know how broke I am? My cell phone fell on the subway tracks last week; I looked at my friend, and I said, 'Hold my legs -- I'm going down.'
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My friends from Brooklyn would call me at work, kind of militant. They'd want to talk about the man coming down on the brother man and the system. And I'm like, 'Hey, can I call you back later? I'm at the system.'
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75 year old rings her local hospital:
‘Hello I’d like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised, or improved?’
‘Do you know which ward she is in?’
‘Yes, ward P, room 2B’
‘I’ll just put you through to the nurse station.’
‘Hello, ward P, how can I help?’
‘I’d just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?’
‘I’ll just check her notes…
I’m pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree’s condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.’
‘Oh that’s wonderful news, I’m so happy; thank you ever so much!’
‘You seem very relieved. Are you a close friend or relative?’
‘No, I’m Mrs Tiptree in room 2B. Nobody tells you fuск all in here.’
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My friend told me he was worried about losing his job because they have recently bought in automated robots.
I said don’t worry, when I bought a new dish washer I still kept my wife around to load it.
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A man was going bald and told his friends he was going to get a rabbit tattooed on his head as it was a lot cheaper than an implant or a toupée.
His friends asked how getting a rabbit tattooed on his head would help?
The man replied, "Well, at least from a distance it will look like hare."
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A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy man's truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.
Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said,
"Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."
The Army man agreed this was a good idea. So the Navy man offered, "Why don't we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vоdка? I have a bottle in the truck."
The Army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the Navy man, being a gentleman, offered the Army man the first drink, and told the Army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the Navy man who said,
"Thanks, but I'll wait till after the cops get here!"
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Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out" His friend said, well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number" Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after. "Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before."
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*Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.
*Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
*The average 10-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
*Being bad is no longer cool.
*You have friends who have kids.
*Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
*You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's Playland.
*Your parents' jokes are now funny.
*You once said,
"What-chu talkin'
'bout Willis?" or "Know whatta mean, Vern?"
*You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson's "Thriller."
*You would rather wear your dirтy clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
*Naps are good.
*You once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever."
*When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
*You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
*You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
*You want clothes for Christmas.
*You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
*You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it's a shot of you from behind.
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I got my period today. I'm happy 'cause most of my friends got it when they were 13.
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There were 3 friends stranded in an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said,
"I wish I was with my family" then рооf he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then рооf he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked,
"What's wrong?" The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here. Рооf, his two friends were back in the island.
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A teenager invited his girlfriend over to Sunday dinner to meet his parents for the first time. He warned her that his mother can be strong willed and very critical of his friends.
She replied, "Don’t worry, I can hold my own. I’ll nicely put her in her place if need be."
After dinner the teen asked his girlfriend why she hadn’t stood up to his mother. She answered by saying, "I’m not worried about her, it’s the horde of flying monkeys that must be waiting outside that bothers me."
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After 20-years of marriage the wife starts complaining to her husband that he does not love her anymore and she begs him to seek advice from her friend the local parish priest. Obliging he went, afterwards he arrives home, lifts her off her feet and carries her from one room to the other, surprised she exclaims oh! How much you love me? What did the priest tell you? Well he told me to carry my cross and that is you!!
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