Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nudе male. “What is that?” asked the child pointing to the реnis.
“Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie,” replied the mother.
“I want one,” said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter’s attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.
“I want one just like that,” she kept repeating.
At last the mother said, “If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one.”
“And if I’m bad?” asked the little one.
“Then,” sighed the mother, “You will have many.”
Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.
Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally nакеd with a long stiff еrестiоn and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn’t utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his еrест реnis.
This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his реnis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.
Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly sтrоке the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing реnis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, “For God’s sake what are you waiting for?”
Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing реnis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, “I’m trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink.”
A Florida couple, both well into their 80’s, go to a sеx therapist’s office. The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’…
The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sеxuаl inтеrсоursе?’…
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sеxuаl advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have inтеrсоursе.’ He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye….
…
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sеx therapist to watch again. The sеx therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has inтеrсоursе with no problems, pays the doctor, then they leave….
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’ …
…
The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married; so we can’t go to her house. I’m married; and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving me a net cost of $7.’
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
Now published by
Court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
These exchanges were actually taking place.
What is your date of birth?
July 15th.
What year?
Every year.
How old is your son, the one living with you?
Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
How long has he lived with you?
Forty-five years.
- _______________________________
What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
Woke up that morning?
He said,
"Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
My name is Susan.
- _______________________________
How was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
- ________________________________
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
Deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
- ________________________________
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
A pulse?
No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
No.
Did you check for breathing?
No.
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
Began the autopsy?
No.
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her. Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.
“I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.” The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ‘round to money. “Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?”
“Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.”
And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.