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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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Did you here about the man that died from eating Rocky Mountain Oysters?
The bull must have drug him a mile!

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Men Are Here Because...
Why did God create man?Because vibrators can't mow the lawn!

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A man comes home from work early to find his blonde wife in bed with three men.
Completely shocked, he shouts, "Hello, Hello, Hello!"
The blonde whines, "What? No hello for me?"

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Q:What did the elephant say to the nакеd man?
A: How do you drink water with that?

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How are women and linoleum floors alike?
You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

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Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."

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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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A man goes to the doctor about the size if his реnis.
He says to the doctor "My реnis is too small."
Doctor gives the man some medicine, says "Drink this everytime you bump into something your реnis will grow an inch."
So the man thanks the doctor and leaves.
He drinks the medicine on his way home he bumps into a lampot so his реnis grew an inch.
Just a little further down the road he bumps into an Indian guy.
A thousand apologies, he реnis grows one thousand inches, baffled by his extra long реnis he decides to paint it red, hite and blue, and wrapped it round his neck, he decides to go to the cinema, he was watching a dirтy movie, sat on the top of the row of seats, all of a sudden this voice comes on the speaker.
"Can the man with the red white and blue scarf stop chucking ice cream to the people below?"

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It's the 7th game of the Stanley Cup Finals.
At the beginning of the game, a guy sits down in his seat and notices an empty seat and another gentleman next to him.
"Can you believe it?" the man says to the gentleman, "It's game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals and there is actually an empty seat!
What's up with that I wonder!"
The gentleman speaks up and says, "Well, you see the seat belonged to my wife.
We went to the games together."
"Where is your wife? The man asks cautiously.
"She passed away," said the gentleman.
"Oh, I'm sorry, you could not get anyone else to come to the game with you?" said the man.
Said the gentleman with a slight smirk "No, they're all at the funeral."

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Q: What do you call a black man on the internet?
A: The dark web.

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Q: Why did the white man cross the road?
A: To steal our land and enslave our children.

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A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks him if he's done any good.
The man says no. So St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.
The man says, "I was refereeing a match in London between England and Germany.
The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play when I awarded a penalty against England."
"Yes," responds St. Peter, "That was a real act of bravery.
Can you tell me when this took place?"
"Certainly," the man replies.
"About three minutes ago."

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Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

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To run away from Chuck Norris man invented a car, then to catch them Chuck Norris invented crashes.

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A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident.
"Dоuсhеваg!" the father yells.
A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son.
"Your father just said a bad word," he says.
"I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?"
His son looks at him and says:
"Too late, dоuсhеваg."

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Three blonde men are on one side of a wide river and don't know how to get across.
The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.
The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.
Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.

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The fastest dialog in the world:
(WC door is opening)
Man inside: Heyyy!
Man outside: Sorryyy!

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