Men-Women jokes

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How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
The hero always gets his man in the end.

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Man to a woman:
"Do you know the difference between a вlоwjов and a cheeseburger is?"
Woman:
"No."
Man:
"Lets have lunch sometime…"

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Lisa needs brain surgery and figures its easier to buy a new brain.
She asks the doctor what he has on sale.
"Well you're in luck I have two in stock, a man's brain for $1000, and a woman's for $100."
Surprised she asks why the price difference?
"Generally women brains run cheaper because they come to us used!"

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Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush.
"Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo-store salesman."
"OK," says Ivan.
After a while, Ivan says,
"I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car."

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How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

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How do men exercise on the beach?
By suскing in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

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Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

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A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

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A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other nакеd for the first time.The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means роliо. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no - smallcox, too!"

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A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
He asks "What do you mean?"
So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "Your really blonde, aren't you?"
She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"
Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."

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A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterward, the doctor comes into her room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child."
The woman worriedly asks, "What's wrong with it?"
The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different. It's a hermaphrodite."
The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite? What's that?"
The doctor replies, "It has both male and female features."
The woman looks relieved. "Oh, you mean it has a реnis AND a brain?"

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Q: What did the blonde do when she couldn't afford a personalized license plate?
A: She changed her name to JKM345.

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A мidgет is riding a bus when a blonde steps on him.
Hey you, brunette, watch where you're going, yells the мidgет.
The blonde looks down and says, I am not a brunette, I am a blonde.
The мidgет replies, Not from where I'm standing.

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What is the longest оrgаn in a sheep's body?
A New Zealander's c**k!

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What do spaghetti and women have in common?
They both squirm when you eat them.

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Snooki is so short and orange that she works part time as a traffic cone.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?" God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."
"God, how much is a million dollars?"
"To me, it's a penny."
"God, may I have a penny?"
"Wait a minute."

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