Military Jokes

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That's like having to be Mike Нiтlеr during the height of Nаzi Germany. You're Mike Нiтlеr. You work at a bakery. You're just trying to make ends meet. Meanwhile, your brother's out there just acting an аss. People come in the bakery and read your name tag and go off on you, you know? 'Нiтlеr? You're the ваsтаrd that killed 6 million Jews and ravaged Europe and tried to achieve world dомinатiоn by following military--' 'Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's my brother, dude. I just make strudel.'

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You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When...
· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
· All of your friends have an @ in their names.
· Your dog has its own home page.
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher."
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

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The doctor finished examining my wife and beckoned me to a private room.
“The bad news is that I found an ugly growth on your wife’s neck”
“It’s called a head. I feel sorry for you.”

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One day a college student comes home for spring break, and he and his dad start a conversation.

"So how are your classes?" Asks the father.

"Good."

"How is the football team playing this year?"

"Okay."

"Making new friends?"

"Some."

"What are you thinking of majoring in?"

"Communications."

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INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.
PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
You don’t have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, Britain for warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, France for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment. You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world.
AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the соw drops dead. You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind. You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.
FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad.
ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary соw and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon соw images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vоdка.
CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.
SRI LANKAN ECONOMICS
You have a соw and a bull, you let the соw be president and the bull be prime minister and let them blame each other for the state the country is in.

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I’m feeling a bit down. I have been for a while now. I have no family and very few, if any friends and admittedly have never been good at relationships (no one has ever stayed in my life long enough I suppose to show me how. ) So, as an adult, I feel like I fail at friendship. I can’t make or seem to keep a friend and especially more than one. No one ever thinks to invite me to go anywhere or do anything. I had no parents growing up, I was abused, both physically and verbally the majority of my life. At this point I have begged, yes begged people to be in my life. I feel like I’m the problem. I’m so lonely for friends that I’ve threatened to move and start over but realistically that’s impossible. I know you have to be a friend to have a friend but no one (locally) seems to want to fill that void. I’m tired of begging and I’ve felt like the plague for the last few years. I don’t know what to do. I’m so unhappy about my situation that I could and have cried. I can’t have children so I can’t have my very own family. I feel like my entire life is missing because I lack many of life’s greatest blessings. What do you suggest? Signed, feeling blue……………. answer I think you should join the Police

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Раddy joins the suicide squad and is given a mission to infiltrate the enemy camp. His commander supplies him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications.
He lands up in the enemy camp and calls his Commander: Sir, there are 2 enemy soldiers, can I do it now ?
Commander : No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.
Paddy : Sir now there are 25 soldiers, can I do it now?
Commander : Wait for more.
Paddy : Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I do it now?
Commander : Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, dont worry about your family, we will look after them.
Paddy pulls out his knife and stabs himself in his chest.

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Three ladies were on a flight, when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing." The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich, and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and вrа. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great t*ts and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and раnтiеs. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."

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The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.

“How old are you?” a tenant asked.

“I’m 81 years old,” the son answered.

The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”

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Management of the Retirement Village having an open day could not work out why visitors were stopping near the front gate and then driving away. None stopped to visit. Finally the General Manager went to investigate and found the gardener had left a sign beside the gate which said "FOR SALE -OLD SLEEPERS".

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Patient: Oh, doctor, I have terrible troubles. I do hope that you can help me
Psychiatrist: Now calm down. Just lie down on the couch and tell me all about your troubles.
Patient: Well, doctor, I have a duplex penthouse apartment in New York and a summer house on the beach at the Hampton. I drive a Rolls-Royce, and my wife drives a Jaguar. My two boys go to the best private school in the city. We belong to three very swanky clubs, and every year I manage to spend a month in Europe.
Psychiatrist: These things are very wonderful, but let’s get down to your basic problem.
Patient: I was just getting to it, doctor. You see, I only make $100 a week!

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A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we’re off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. “I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe .”
“I see,” the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s sсrеwing me.”
“He certainly is,” replied the captain, “this is the Staten Island Ferry.”

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A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, “Don’t you see the sign? It says, ‘Private property - Stay Out!'”
The golfer says, “I’m sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?”
The man says, “It’s in my yard and so it’s my ball now.”
The golfer looks at the man and says, “I understand.”
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.
The man says, “What is that for?”
The golfer replies, “I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every рriск should have two ваlls.”

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World war 2 could have been prevented, if only someone had given Нiтlеr a snickers

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An old man is being interviewed on live TV
- Hello everybody. We are with Michael, who is 97 years old. Michael, tell us, what’s your secret?
- During the war, I suскеd off a Nаzi soldier in exchange for food.
- …I meant about your age.
- Ah… Eating healthy.

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I wonder what a french soldiers uniform looks like from the front.

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QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road? Part II
Answers:
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!
O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

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A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to his barber who responded…
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It’s crowded and dirтy and full of Italians.
You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking American Airlines,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“American Airlines?” exclaimed the barber.
“That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump? That’s the worst hotel in the city.
The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced.
So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him.
He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.
The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of American Airlines s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel - it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodelling job, and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” asked the barber. “What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get the сrаррy haircut?”

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