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Money jokes

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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery?
He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.
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Born free.
Taxed to death.
A man goes into a shop to get his wife a present.
He points out a bottle of perfume and asks
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‘I used to live in a sub-basement.
The janitor that had the apartment during the Depression had some stocks.
When the market crashed, he was wiped out.
He tried to кill himself by jumping out of the window and up on to street level.’ Wооdy Allen
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Visitor: You're very quiet, Jennifer.
Jennifer: Well, my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your red nose.
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He was so mean that when he found a pack of corn plasters he went out and bought a pair of tight shoes.
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Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket?
Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your money.
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‘Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald”.’
Rita Rudner
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At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars.
One of the chamber members stood up and said,
"I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army."
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She was so rich she even had monograms on the bags under her eyes.
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Money should be utilized as a тооl.
You just gotta know which nuts to sсrеw.
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"Hey, today we got the four of clubs.
A guy named Samir al-Aziz, a Ba'ath party bad guy.
And we now have the four of clubs, the five of clubs, the five of spades and the seven of diamonds.
I don't know what game they're playing at the White House, but today, when it was confirmed that we had the four of clubs, Condoleezza Rice had to take off her blouse."
Bill Maher "The Pentagon said this week that the war in Iraq has cost $20 billion so far.
The breakdown is operations: $10 billion; personnel: $6 billion; getting Bush re-elected: priceless."
Bill Maher "The president boasted at the top of his press conference that we have the support now of Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq.
You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear to the world that you're not an imperialist, the people you want in your corner are Britain and Spain."
Bill Maher "Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles.
President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick.
There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'" Bill Maher.
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If Asda is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the shop free yet?
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Yo momma is so poor I saw her kicking a trash can so I asked, "What are you doing?" and she said, "I'm moving."
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Yo momma is so poor the ducks throw bread at her.
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An extremely ugly man was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is his polar opposite. In fact, he may be the most handsome man in town. The two of them are discussing a beautiful blonde girl sitting at the bar. The handsome man said,
"Boy, I sure would like to get some of that."
The ugly man said, "Go ahead, go for it."
The handsome man said, "There's no way, she won't go with anybody, I've tried many times."
The ugly man said, "I think I could go out with her if I wanted to."
The handsome man laughed and said, "If she won't go out with me, she sure as hеll won't go out with you."
Ugly said, "I'll bet you fifty bucks she'll go with me."
Handsome says, "You're on!"
Ugly says, "OK, just leave the money with the bartender and I'll pick it up later."
He walks up to the girl, starts talking and then turned around and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him. The handsome man couldn't believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, "What happened? What did he say to her?"
The bartender told him, "Well, he didn't say much. He just said it's a nice night for a walk. And then he licked his eyebrows and left."
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Our family was so poor our Christmas dinner was the leftovers from our last Christmas dinner.
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‘If you owe the bank $100, that’s your problem.
If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.’
John Paul Getty A woman rings her insurance company.
‘Our house burnt down and I want £100,000,’ she says.
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Vote kickass if you would pay money to see Chuck Norris kick Justin Bieber's ass
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