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One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later a punk kid with red, green, and orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the old man keeps staring at him.
"What you staring at, old man? Ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?"
"Yeah. I sсrеwеd a parrot once. I was wondering if you were my son?"

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`You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?'
`Well, your Honor,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.'

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One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"
WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."
BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."

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One-Liner Jokes Blonde Jokes

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chickeneggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of вееr, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of вееr. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

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While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

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Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

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Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his реnis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my реnis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill - I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

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A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So when would you like to start?"
She replies, "In three months."

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Blonde Jokes Boss Jokes

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the dамn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

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Who Knocked Up My Bear?
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. ''I've never been better!'' he boasted. ''I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?'' The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ''Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.'' The doctor continued, ''So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?'' the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, ''No, what?'' The doctor continued, ''The bear dropped dead in front of him.'' ''That's impossible!'' exclaimed the old man. ''Someone else must of shot the bear.'' ''That's kind of what I'm getting at,'' replied the doctor.

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After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the hot girl at the end of the bar. "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"
Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"

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On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

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John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

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A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it." Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any раnтiеs..." The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing раnтiеs!"
The man exclaims, "Dамn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

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Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being sтuрid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime - Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's вiggеr?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

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Money jokes Little Johnny Jokes Stupid Jokes

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his реnis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will вlоw these days."

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute."
The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Blonde Jokes USA Jokes

Q: What does a blonde do when it gets cold?
A: She sits by a candle.
Q: What does she do when it gets really cold?
A: She lights it.

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Men vs Women Jokes Blonde Jokes

Q: What is the definition of eternity?
A: Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop.

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Men vs Women Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest реnis he has ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge реnis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the реnis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

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