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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
Баща телефонира на сина си, който живее в Америка Morris calls his son in NY and says: Абрам се обажда на сина Моше, емигрирал в Ню-Йорк: - Сине, трябва да те огорча, но ние с майка ти се разваждаме. 45 години мъки стигат! - Тате, ама какво говориш! И точно преди празника ви! - Така... Twee dagen voor kerst belt een vader zijn nederlandse dochter in Australie op. Hij zegt: "Ik zal maar gelijk met het slechte nieuws beginnen. Je moeder en ik hebben besloten om op eerste kerst dag... El padre llama a su hijo Samuel que vive en Nueva York y le dice: - Lamento arruinarte el día, pero tengo que informarte que tu madre y yo nos estamos divorciando, cuarenta y cinco años de... Desde Jerusalén, David llama a su hija Ruth quien reside en Chicago y le dice: - Siento profundamente dar este tipo de noticias, pero debo informarte que tu madre y yo estamos en proceso de... En eldre mann i Trondheim ringer sin sønn i Oslo og sier: “Jeg vil neppe ødelegge dagen din, sønn, men jeg må fortelle deg at din mor og jeg vil ha en skilsmisse etter 45 års ekteskap, for nå er...
Christmas Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Dad Jokes Single People Jokes
There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy who worked construction together. They were working on top of a building one day, and it was lunch time.
The Irish man opens his lunch pail and he sees he has cabbage and beef, and he says, 'If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says, 'if I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building!'
The blond man opens his lunch pail and gets a bologna sandwich. He says, 'if I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabbage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the blond guy opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich, so he jumps off to his death as well.
The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, 'If I only knew he was sick of cabbage and beef I would have packed him something else.'
Then the Mexican's wife then said, ''If I only knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else.''
Finally, the blond man's wife said, 'I don't know what his problem was! He packed his own lunch!''
Blonde Jokes
When Mr. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness сrавs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
Dark Humor Jokes Police Officer Jokes
Кандидат кмет, който разбрал, че всички гласоподаватели са за него, се обърнал към жена си: wahre Liebe Ο δήμαρχος Κερατάς 3 φορές Золотая свадьба. Муж спрашивает жену: Златна сватба. Съпругът попитал жена си: C'est un couple de vieux mariés qui fêtent leurs 50 ans de mariage... A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary: Старий футболіст під кінець життя вирішив запитати в своєї дружини: — Жінко, ми прожили довге життя. Нам нічого один від одного приховувати. Скажи мені, тільки чесно, ти мені зраджувала? — Я тобі скажу. Зраджувала. Але тільки три рази, й тільки в твоїх власних інтересах. — І коли це трапилось... O caminhoneiro estava no seu leito de morte e pergunta à mulher, com voz moribunda: — Mulher, sei que estou morrendo e nada disso mais me importa agora, mas só por curiosidade, você já me traiu... Gustav och Greta hade varit gift i 50 år och Gustav hade en liten fråga till sin fru. – Har du någonsin varit otrogen mot mig Greta? – Nu när vi varit gifta i 50 år kan jag faktiskt erkänna att jag... Un couple à la retraite fait le point sur son passé. La femme demande : - Tu te souviens de la blondasse qui te servait de secrétaire au début des années 80 ? Tu l'as sautée ? - Oui, mais pendant...
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3 dads bragging about their children's success gets a surprise when a 4th dad tells them this!
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Dаrn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually, he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for"?
One of the three said: "We were talking abo ut the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gаy and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!"
Quatre types sont en train de se raconter des histoires dans un bar. Трима приятели се срещнали след дълги години и седнали да си разправят кой на какъв хал е. Vier vrienden treffen elkaar na zo´n dertig jaar opnieuw tijdens een feestje. Nadat ze een aantal borrels hebben gedronken, gaat er één van hen naar het toilet. De drie die achterblijven beginnen...
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Когато чудовищата си лягат проверяват дали Чък Норис е в гардероба. När monstren går och lägger sig på kvällen kollar dom under sängen efter Chuck Norris. Kun mörkö menee illalla nukkumaan, hän varmistaa ettei kaapissa ole Chuck Norrista. Bevor Monster ins Bett gehen, schauen sie vorher in den Schrank und unter das Bett, um zu sehen, ob Chuck Norris dort ist.
Chuck Norris Jokes
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town ofJohnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before theservice started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews andtalking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation.Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderlygentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly obliviousto the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Sатаn a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,"Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't youafraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "I been married to your sister for 48 years."
Неделна служба в църквата. She-Devil El borracho y el diablo Имало едно време един мъж, който се прибрал вкъщи много късно и много пиян всяка вечер. Еј, старецу – викнал ѓаволот. Este era un señor muy borracho, que ya se le había hecho costumbre llegar a su casa borrachísimo, su mujer muy enfadada le pone una trampa, se disfraza de satanás y se esconde detrás de un sillón para asustarlo. El tipo llega, se sienta en el sillón,... Det är i kyrkan en söndag, högmässan skall just börja, orgelmusiken ljuder från läktaren. Då plötsligt står Djävulen i egen hög person längst fram i koret och blickar ut över församlingen. Panik... A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old...
Church jokes
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Friday jokes Restaurant Jokes
Lärm vermeiden Αποφυγή θορύβου! Кулата: TWA 2341, за да намалите шума, обърнете на дясно с 45 градуса. Voo 1234 — fala o operador da torre de controle —, manobre 45 graus à direita para evitar ruído! — Tudo bem — responde o piloto do Airbus, irritado —, mas, a 12 000 metros de altitude, que diabo de... Torony: - Hogy ne csapjon túl nagy zajt, legyen szíves, forduljon 45 fokkal jobbra. Pilóta: - Milyen zajt csaphatnánk mi 35.000 láb magasan? Torony: - Olyan csörömpölőset, mint amikor a 707-esük...
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Кои са трите думи, които една жена не иска да чуе докато прави секс? Las peores dos palabras Vad hatar män att få höra när de har sex? - älskling, jag är hemma nu Welche Worte hassen Frauen, wenn sie gerade tollen Sex haben? – „Liebling, ich bin zuhause.“ Hvilke ord hader en kvinde at høre, når hun dyrker vild og dejlig sex? – Hej skat. Så er jeg hjemme - Mi az a két szó, amit nem akarsz hallani szeretkezés közben? - ??? - Drágám, hazajöttem! - Hvad er det for fem ord , du ikke ønsker at høre mens du elsker? - Hej skat, jeg er hjemme...
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