Newest jokes - Page 352

Q: Who makes the best detective - Sherlock Holmes or a tax accountant?
A: The tax accountant - she make's more deductions.

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I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Please be prepared for my mood.

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Office and Work Jokes Communication Jokes

Q: What is height of forgetfulness?
A: Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

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Life Jokes

Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunting peckers.

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Blonde Jokes Hunting Jokes

There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever.
Finally, the customer behind me muttered, "Mr. Hare must be on vacation."
Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. It read: "Mr. Turtle, sales associate."

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Customer service jokes

Q: What's the worst part about sеx?
A: When they wake up!

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Sex Jokes

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Cheating Jokes Lawyer Jokes

50Cent used to be called DollarBill but Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked him to the face and now he's half the man he used to be.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Men jokes Music and Musician Jokes

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whоrеhоusе!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation.
Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Student jokes Lawyer Jokes Dad Jokes

Me: "I'm so lonely."
Person: "Hey!"
Me: "Leave me alone."

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Relationship Jokes

A sailor and a priest were playing golf.
The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "F**k, I missed."
Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you."
The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot.
Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I f**k’n missed again."
The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you."
The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh f**k" The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you."
Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest.
In the distance a deep voice said, "F**K, I Missed."

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Sports Jokes God Jokes Priest Jokes Sailor Jokes Golf jokes Sick and Death Jokes Priest Jokes

One day, a team of blondes and a brunette team took part in a fishing contest. They went to the Frozen Lake and installed from a two different perspectives.
The brunettes were making fish one after another, but the blondes were unlucky.
The blonde team gathered around in a circle and start a discussion about the problem and wanted to find an answer for it.
After two hours they decided to send someone to spy on the other team, so they can find out what the brunettes were doing differently.
The blonde spy goes and hides behind the bushes.
After a while, breathless arrives at her team and screams with joy: "I’ve found it! I’ve found it! We gonna rip them off!"
All the blondes, full of wonder asked her: "Spit it out, what do the brunettes do differently?"
"Whole! They’re opening a whole in the ice!"

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Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Fishing Jokes American Presidents Humor

These two guys are riding in a convertible down a road in the desert, the road runs alongside a railroad as they are driving, as they are driving a train goes past, on the train a guy is on the train, clutching his stomach and grunting, his buddy leans over, and asks him,
"What the hеll is wrong with you?"
The guy replies, "I gotta shiт real bad, and I can't reach the bathroom in time!"
His buddy tells him "Hang your аss out the window, and let it fly."
The guy hangs his аss out the window and the shiт flies back and hits the convertible.
The guys in the convertible say "Dамn, that guy on the train spit tobacco on us!"
The guy asks his friend "Hey, pull over when the train stops and we'll find this guy and kick his аss".
After he finishes talking the guy driving the car slows down.
His friend says "Why are you slowing down, don't you wanna beat this guy up."
His friend says "No!"
The other guy says "Why".
His friend says, "Number one, that is some of the stinkiest tobacco I've ever smelled, and number two, did you see the jaws on that son of a вiтсh!"

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Car and driving jokes Dark Humor Jokes Friendship Jokes Vulgar jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

There were three guys at a bar.
One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a biker.
The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "Shiт if she doesnt like the necklace she'll love the trip" he said.
So the buisness man said "That's nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercades and a new mansion, if she didn't like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. "
As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a viвrатоr. If she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fuск herself."

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School Jokes Men jokes Business jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes College jokes Student jokes Cyclist Humor

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl programs.

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Animal Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes IT jokes

"I can't decide whether to buy a bicycle or a соw for my farm."
"Well, wouldn't you look silly riding a соw?"
"I d look a dаrn sight sillier trying to milk a bicycle!"

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Car and driving jokes Animal Jokes Farmer Jokes

Customer: "Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup."
Waiter: "Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers."

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes Waiter Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Chuck Norris will never die.
The Grim Reaper is too scared to come and claim him.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Teacher: How we use the light?
Pupil: To suск it?
Teacher: Why do you say so?
Pupil: Because every night, my mother says to my father, "Switch off the light, I wanna suск it!"

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School Jokes Dirty jokes

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

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Religion jokes Money jokes Bible Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

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