Math Jokes

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Q: How do mathematicians induce good behavior in their children?
A: "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

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A statistician's wife had twins. He was delighted.
He rang the minister who was also delighted.
"Bring them to church on Sunday and we'll baptize them," said the minister.
"No," replied the statistician.
"Baptize one. We'll keep the other as a control."

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One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch:
"My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."

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An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland.
The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black."
"No, no, no!" says the physicist.
"Only some Scottish sheep are black."
The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears black from here."

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There was a statistician that drowned crossing a river... It was 3 feet deep on average.

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What do you get when you put root вееr in a square glass?
Beer.

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The teacher said to the children: "In a paddock, there were twelve sheep. Six of them got out by jumping over the fence. How many sheep left behind?"
"None", little Jim say.
"None?" says the teacher surprised. "Jim, you’re clueless in math."
"And you, misses, are clueless in sheep! As soon as the first sheep jumps out, the other will follow as well!"

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A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl" ?
The logician replies: "yes".

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Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

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Three statisticians are out hunting.
Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The first statistician shoots and hits the tree 5 feet to the left.
The second statistician shoots and hits the tree 5 feet to the right.
The third statistician starts jumping up and down, yelling "We got him! We got him!"

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Maths and Girls are the most complicated things, but Maths at least has some logic.

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Two statisticians go bird hunting.
The first one fires at the bird but overshoots by 5 feet.
The second one fires and undershoots the bird by 5 feet.
They both give each other a high-five and say "Got it!"

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Q: How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hmmm... I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you.

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Teacher: "Who knows 5+5=?"
Little Johnny: "11"
Teacher: "Take out your hand from trousers pocket and count with your fingers."

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A chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.
The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can.
Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."

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Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8?
Student: Miss horizontally or vertically?
Teacher: What do mean?
Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.

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Math tells us three of the saddnest love stories:
1) Tangent lines who had one chance to meet and then parted forever.
2) Parallel lines who were never meant to meet.
3) Asymptotes who can get closer and closer but will never be together.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first orders a вееr, the second orders half a вееr, the third orders a quarter of a вееr, and so on.
After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."

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Teacher: "Are you good at math?"
Pupil: "Yes and no."
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Pupil: "Yes, I'm no good at math!"

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Student: What’s infinity?
Math Teacher: Think of a number.
Student: Okay, I’ve got one.
Teacher: Good. That’s not it.

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