Religion jokes

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Religion is like a реnis: it's good to have one and it's good to be proud of it, but the problem starts when you begin flaunting it in public.

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When Раddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals. Раddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Раddy asked,
"Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Раddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?"

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Four nuns die and are in line to get into Heaven. St. Peter appears and tells them they can get in, but must do one last confession. The first nun confesses to seeing a реnis. St. Peter instructs her to rinse her eyes in holy water, say 10 Hail Marys, and she can get in. The second nun admits to touching a реnis. St. Peter instructs her to rinse her hand in holy water, say 20 Hail Marys, and she can get in. Seeing this, the fourth nun taps the third nun's shoulder and says,
"Can I cut in front of you? I'm going to need to rinse my mouth and I know you need to rinse your аsshоlе."

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Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 29? Because 30 is too many!

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A substitute for a Catholic priest is hearing confessions. He is confused about what to recommend a confessor should do to rectify guilt sustained, after doing a sеxuаl favor for her boss. He sticks his head out of the confessional and asks a nearby alter boy what the father gives for a bl*wjob. The alter boy responds, "Usually a Snickers and a ride home."

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It's the day of Jesus' crucifixion, and Peter is consoling Mary at the bottom of the hill in Golgotha. Suddenly, Peter hears Jesus calling to him, summoning him up the hill. Frantically, Peter sets off to make his way to his Savior. Unwillingly, he is stopped by two guards. Again, Jesus calls to Peter, and again, Peter attempts to answer, but the guards bring him to a hault. Peter weeps in remorse. One last time, Jesus moans for Peter's appearance. Determined not to fail his Grace, Peter shoves past the standing guards and triumphantly stands at the bleeding feet of his King. "My Lord, anything for you. What is it, my King?"
"Peter," Jesus painstakingly replies. "Yes, what is it you must tell me?" Peter anxiously asks. "Peter, I, I, I can see your house from up here."

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A teacher was testing her students' knowledge of words' antonyms. She asked,
"What is the opposite go?" A student answered, "Stop."
"Very good," the teacher replied. "What is the opposite of adamant?" Another student said,
"Eveant."

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You know what Adam said to Eve? "Watch out, I don’t know how big this gets."

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The biggest swindler in the world dies and finds himself before the gates of Heaven and St. Peter, who says,
"Come on in man!" Confused, the swindler questions, "But I thought I would be going to Неll for all of the bad things I did." St. Peter replies,
"Oh, we don't keep records here, it's too much work!" The swindler goes in, and is once again surprised to see tons of beautiful girls whipping themselves. He asks St. Peter, "Why are they doing that?" St. Peter answers, "Ah, those are all of our virgins. They just found out we don't keep records, too!"

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Adam was lonely, so he asked God for company. God agreed, but said,
"Don't let her in the water." Adam agreed and Eve appeared the next day. Adam was so excited, he went in the lake to get cleaned up. Eve wanted to go in, but knew she wasn't allowed. A few months go by and she gets tired of not being able to go in the water. As she runs to the water, she tears off her fig leaf and splash! God says,
"Oh great! Now the fish will smell like that!"

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Why did all the hippies go to church on the first day of Lent? A: They heard it was "Hash Wednesday."

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Jesus' away message on Good Friday, "BRB."

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What's the best part about being a Rabbi? You get to keep the tips.

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We are all God's children right? And Jesus is God's only son, right? So aren't we all women?

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What does the Pope use to cut potatoes? El pela papas.

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A hippie in a bus sees a very beautiful lady and he goes to the lady and asks " can I do my way with you? " and the lady replies by saying "sorry i cant so that i am a nun my body and soul belongs to the lord" the hippie then walks away and exits the bus cause they have arrived and his bus stop but gets stopped by the bus driver " you know that nun always goes to the cemetery and prays so you should go there dressed up like jesus and ask her to do your way with her" says the bus driver the hippie says okay and waits till midnight and goes to the cemetery and sees the nun praying then he put his jesus outfit and asks the nun to do her way with her and he shall forgiver her sins and she says yes but do it from behind so i will not lose my virginity and they start to make love and when they were done the hippie rips his outfit of and says surprise its me the hippie! and then the nun rips her dress of and screams surprise its me the bus~driver!

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A religious woman buys a parrot and takes it home. As soon as she gets the bird in its new cage, it starts hollering, "I'm a whоrе! I'm a whоrе!" The lady is embarrassed and asks her minister if she should return the foul-mouthed bird. The minister suggests, "I have a well-behaved male parrot who sits in its cage and prays all day long. Perhaps if we put your bird in with mine, your bird will see the error of its ways and become more pious." The next day, the woman takes her parrot to the minister's house and puts her bird in with the praying parrot. After a few seconds, her parrot starts saying, "I'm a whоrе! I'm a whоrе!" The priest's parrot replies,
"Come on in honey, that's what I've been praying for!"

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Had a fancy dress party last night and got beaten up after sleeping with a ghost. At least I thought it was a ghost, turns out it was my Muslim next door neighbors wife.

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