A Priest is fishing with his mate and catches something.
“That’s a huge fсuкеr you’ve got there father,” says the friend.
“Watch your language around a man of God,” replies the Priest.
A little embarrassed, the friend lies and tells the Priest that the species of fish is called a “fсuкеr”.
The Priest takes home the fish and talks to the Bishop and explains about catching the “fсuкеr”.
“I’ll clean the fсuкеr and we can have it for dinner tonight when the Pope comes round.”
So he cleans it and then shows it to the Cardinal, who says he’ll cook the “fсuкеr” for the Pope tonight.
The Pope comes round for dinner and comments on the lovely fish and, eager to please, the Priest exclaims, “I caught the fсuкеr!”
The Bishop cries, “I cleaned the fсuкеr!”
And the Cardinal continues, “I cooked the fсuкеr!”
The Pope takes a moments thought, looks around the table at them and says, “You know, you сunтs are alright.”
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
"My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says,
"If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and
Knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to sтriр away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
"The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the кnов, and slowly
Pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Down in parts of the rural South, we are not able enough to buy our preachers cars. Instead we buy them bicycles. One Saturday afternoon a group of preachers were by the church talking. A new preachers, Billy Joe, walked up to join them. One of the preachers asked, “Where is your bicycle Billy?”
Billy replied, “I have some bad news. I believe that one of the members of our congregation has stolen my bicycle.”
The other preacher said, “Boy, that is a shame, but I have an idea. When you give your sermon on Sunday, go through the ten commandments and when you get to, THOU SHALL NOT STEAL, fire it upon them. The guilty member will return your bicycle.”
Billy thought this was a grand idea and that Sunday he did just that.
A week later the preachers were our in front of the church again chatting, and up came Billy on his bicycle. One of the preachers said, Billy, I see that it worked. Your bicycle was returned!
Billy replied, “Not exactly, I preached The Ten Commandments and when I got to, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle.
A new priest has just started working at the local catholic church when the head priest, Father David, announces that he is going on holiday for a week. Father David asks the new priest if he wouldn’t mind doing the confessions whilst he’s away. Concerned that he is inexperienced, Father David gives him the latest handbook on what to do in the confession box.
The new priest has been doing the job for five minutes when a young woman enters the box and says, “Forgive me father, for I have sinned - I have had feelings of a carnal nature toward the man who cuts our lawn.”
The priest looks to his handbook, finds the section on sеxuаl desire and gardeners, and relays the appropriate penance to the woman. “You must do five hail Marys, and polish the church door brass.”
Later, a second woman confesses she has kissed the guy who came to fix the boiler. He looks in the handbook, finds the section on intimate liaisons with members of the plumbing trade and hands down a penance of ten hail Marys, fifty counts of the rosaries, and an afternoon trimming the church candles.
Much later a woman comes to the box and confesses that she has given the local policeman a вlоw-job. After a few minutes, the priest cannot find any mention of suскing a man’s соск in the handbook and wonders what to do. He sticks his head out of the box just as a choir boy is passing, and asks the lad, “Psst.. do you know what Father David usually gives for a вlоw-job?”
Quick as a flash, the young lad replies, “A bag of Skittles and a Kit-Kat.”
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
‘If you’re going to кill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.’
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
‘ Because I said so, that’s why.’
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.’
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
‘Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.’
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!’
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
‘I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.’
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
‘Stop acting like your father!’
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.’
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
‘Just wait until we get home.’
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
‘You are going to get it when you get home!’
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.’
19. My mother taught me ESP.
‘Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?’
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.’
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.’
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
‘You’re just like your father.’
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
‘Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?’
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.’
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
==
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunк, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunк, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunк answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunк, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunк replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus yet."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunк again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus yet."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunк in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunк, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunк wipes his eyes then catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"