It's the day of Jesus' crucifixion, and Peter is consoling Mary at the bottom of the hill in Golgotha. Suddenly, Peter hears Jesus calling to him, summoning him up the hill. Frantically, Peter sets off to make his way to his Savior. Unwillingly, he is stopped by two guards. Again, Jesus calls to Peter, and again, Peter attempts to answer, but the guards bring him to a hault. Peter weeps in remorse. One last time, Jesus moans for Peter's appearance. Determined not to fail his Grace, Peter shoves past the standing guards and triumphantly stands at the bleeding feet of his King. "My Lord, anything for you. What is it, my King?"
"Peter," Jesus painstakingly replies. "Yes, what is it you must tell me?" Peter anxiously asks. "Peter, I, I, I can see your house from up here."
The biggest swindler in the world dies and finds himself before the gates of Heaven and St. Peter, who says,
"Come on in man!" Confused, the swindler questions, "But I thought I would be going to Неll for all of the bad things I did." St. Peter replies,
"Oh, we don't keep records here, it's too much work!" The swindler goes in, and is once again surprised to see tons of beautiful girls whipping themselves. He asks St. Peter, "Why are they doing that?" St. Peter answers, "Ah, those are all of our virgins. They just found out we don't keep records, too!"
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.
You gotta love George.
Lost In The Desert
There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.
One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.
On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?”
The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse.
You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”
Not paying much attention, the man says, “Sure, ok.”
So, he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking. Then he says, “Thank God, Thank God, ” and the horse starts trotting.
Feeling really brave, the man say, “Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God” and the horse just literally takes off.
Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!”
Finally he remembers, “AMEN!!”
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.
The man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God”.
A man came into a shop with a ‘Salesman Wanted’ sign in a window.
He went up to the owner and said, “I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b.”
“I don’t know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment,” said the owner.
“I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!” said the man.
“O. K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them.” said the owner.
So the man went out and came back an hour later.
“H-here-sss your m-m-money.” said the man.
The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.
The man came back in two hours and said, “Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money.”
The owner said, “This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?”
“W-welllll,” said the man, “I r-r-ring the d-door веll, a-a-and s-s-say ‘H-Неl-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m’me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?