The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could
Not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who
Stated that he could figure it out.
After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he
Knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder
Of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to
Be cured was to have sеx.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.
Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After
Some thought,the pope stated, “I agree but under four conditions.”
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise
There arose a single voice that asked, “And what are the four conditions?”
The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, “First the girl must
Be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sеx.
“Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sеx.
“And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is
Having sеx, she can tell no one.”
After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?”
The pope smiled and replied, “She gotta have big t*ts.”
After the Sunday sermon the Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. …
….
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. …
…
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims: ‘If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!’ …
…
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. …
…
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!’
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sеx.’
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: ‘Mrs. Jones, you’re a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?’
Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
“Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Fuск the Vicar.’ “
A young nun at a convent had one too many sеxuаl indiscretions, and turned up pregnant.
Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.
And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.
After the birth, panic set in; she didn’t know WHAT she should do with the baby.
If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter.
Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother’s room in the pre-dawn hours.
She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.
At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap.
She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, “Oh, God! You can’t even trust your own finger any more!”
=============
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slow down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Sатаn and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said,
"You won't believe what I heard. Sатаn and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
The man said,
"Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How
Is your connection with God?"
And the man says,
"Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he
Turns it back off."
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said,
"I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he
Needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"
And she says,
"That idiот, he's been рissing in the fridge!"