A few minutes before the Sunday services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Sатаn appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. …
…
Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” …
…
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.” …
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Sатаn asked. …
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can кill you with a word?” asked Sатаn.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY… for all eternity?” persisted Sатаn.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Sатаn.
“Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Sатаn asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!..”
There were two nuns…
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rаре us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirтy, say two Hail Marys!
The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could
Not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who
Stated that he could figure it out.
After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he
Knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder
Of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to
Be cured was to have sеx.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.
Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After
Some thought,the pope stated, “I agree but under four conditions.”
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise
There arose a single voice that asked, “And what are the four conditions?”
The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, “First the girl must
Be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sеx.
“Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sеx.
“And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is
Having sеx, she can tell no one.”
After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?”
The pope smiled and replied, “She gotta have big t*ts.”
After the Sunday sermon the Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. …
….
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. …
…
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims: ‘If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!’ …
…
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. …
…
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!’
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sеx.’
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: ‘Mrs. Jones, you’re a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?’
Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
“Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Fuск the Vicar.’ “
A young nun at a convent had one too many sеxuаl indiscretions, and turned up pregnant.
Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.
And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.
After the birth, panic set in; she didn’t know WHAT she should do with the baby.
If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter.
Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother’s room in the pre-dawn hours.
She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.
At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap.
She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, “Oh, God! You can’t even trust your own finger any more!”
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