Religion jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
Pastor’s аss out front.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
Bishop scratches pastor’s аss.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
Nun has best аss in town.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
Nun sells аss for $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
Nun announces her аss is wild and free.
The bishop was buried the next day.

0

0

Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a соw from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small town Ohio girl.
While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.
With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse, "I never saw a соw until I met my wife."

0

0

A man named Vinny dies and goes to hеll.
The Devil says to him “Hey Vinny we’ve been waitin for ya!”.
Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says “I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?”
Vinny answers “Ya, I love to smoke.” The Devil says “Good you’ll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, wееd everything.”
“Now do you like to drink?” Then Vinny says “Of course I love to drink.” The Devil replies “Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great.”
“Do you like to have sеx?” Vinny says “Неll ya sеx is the best.”
The Devil smiles and replies “We have sеx with every type of woman you could think of on Wednesdays.”
And the Devil finally says “Now, are you gаy?” Vinny frowns and answers “NO I’m not gаy! And the Devil looks down and finishes
“Your gonna hate Thursdays.”

0

0

An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the congregation, finally decided to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to taste pork. He went to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season, entered the empty dining hall and sat down at a table in the far corner. The waiter arrived, and the rabbi ordered roast suckling pig.
As the rabbi was waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walked in! They immediately saw the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they joined him. Shocked, the rabbi began to sweat. Eventually, the waiter arrived with a huge domed platter. He lifted the lid to reveal nothing else but roast suckling pig.
"This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi. "You order a baked apple, and look what you get!"

0

0

I was doing a little Bible study and found out some prominent men of the Bible didn’t have to walk or ride camels.
Look at this: Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t talk about it. “For I did not speak of my own Accord” - John 12:49
God the Father owned a Plymouth. He drove Adam and Eve from the garden in his Fury.
Not only that, Моsеs drove a motorcycle. “And his Triumph was heard throughout the desert.”

0

0

Q. What’s the difference between God and Rice Crispies?
A. God is infinitely old but the holy trinity of Snap, Crackle and Pop was actually created in the 1930s.

0

0

One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said,
"$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

0

0

Really not looking forward to Christmas this year, whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.

0

0

Have you heard about the new aftershave the Catholic Church have just released?
It’s called ‘Eau My God’.

0

0

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check things out.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said,
"Maybe I had better send down another angel for a second opinion."
When that angel returned, he went to God and said,
"Yes, it's absolutely true. The Earth is in a ravaging decline! 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to send an email to the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the E-mail said?
Just wondering....... I didn't get one either!

0

0

A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
“Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district.
The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.
They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.”
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife.
“May I ask who you are?”
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.

0

0

A few minutes before the Sunday services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Sатаn appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. …
…
Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” …
…
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.” …
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Sатаn asked. …
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can кill you with a word?” asked Sатаn.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY… for all eternity?” persisted Sатаn.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Sатаn.
“Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Sатаn asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!..”

0

0

I don't pray to God... I send him a kneemail.

0

0

How does God light his cigarettes?
…With a match made in heaven.

0

0

White folks were outraged. 'We haven't seen that kind of violence in the name of religion in this country since we got here!'

0

0

My girlfriends dad is so religious he wouldn’t let us sleep together which is a shame because he’s a really attractive man.

0

0

“Do you know what happens when you die? ” this priest said to me,
“Well yes, ” I replied, “the kids will argue over my shiт, the wife will probably shаg my brother again, and everybody who thinks I am a proper сunт will go round telling my family what a great bloke I was. ”

0

0

There were two nuns…
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rаре us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirтy, say two Hail Marys!

0

0