Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”
Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.
A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”
“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Betty - it’s me, Bertha.”
“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.
“Bertha! Where are you?”
“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.
“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”
Three men arrive at the gates of heaven, St. Peter looks upon them and says “Though you are all good men, you have sins to absolve before I can let you enter the great kingdom!” So St. Peter takes them off to purgatory. ….
….
The first man had an addiction to sεx. St. Peter took this man to a room; inside were hundreds of women, fully nudе. The man runs into the room excited as can be as St. Peter says, ” I’ll be back in 99 years to see if you’ve learned your lesson.”
The second man is a serious alcoholic. St. Peter takes this man to his room and inside there was an endless supply of every type of alcohol imaginable. St. Peter says again, “I’ll be back in 99 years to see if you’ve learned your lesson.”
The third man was a chronic stoner. St. Peter takes him to his room, which is filled with endless amounts of marijuana, bongs, and pipes. St. Peter again says, ” I’ll be back in 99 years to see if you’ve learned your lesson.”
99 years pass and St. Peter returns to the first room, the sεx addict inside is so relieved, he repents on the spot. St. Peter allows him into heaven.
The alcoholic speeds out the door as St. Peter opens it. He begs for forgiveness and is allowed in.
St. Peter opens the stoner’s door only to find him joint in one hand, pipe in the other, rocking feverishly. The pothead looks up at St. Peter shaking and says, ” Hey, you got a light, man?”
While on holiday, the Seven Dwarfs visit the local convent to buy some souvenirs. They meet up with the Mother Superior and Dореy stops to talk to her.
“Excuse me, your holy one, do you have any short nuns here?” Mother Superior is quite puzzled by the question but replies, “Not very short, some around 5 foot.
“Are you sure there aren’t any nuns about 3 foot in height?” he persists.
“No, no, no one like that.”
As the dwarfs leave, the Mother Superior follows them quietly down the road to try and discover the reason for such an odd question. She overhears the other dwarfs asking him what was said, and he replies, “She said they don’t have any.” On hearing this, the dwarfs fall about laughing and chanting:
“Dореy’s fcuked a реnguin, Dореy’s fcuked a реnguin.”
A man dies and goes to heaven. One of God’s angels meets the man and says,
"Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, “I never ate a piece of non-kosher food in my 90 years. Nothing.”
"That's wonderful," says the angel, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended the services all my life and always gave as much charity as I could."
"Terrific!" says the angel, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Oy. How about this, I started a soup kitchen in my city and volunteered at the senior’s home."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries. "The way you guys grade, there’s no way my Selma got in here.”
“Selma who?” asks the angel.
“My wife, Selma Rothenstein. You know, Selma and I were married for 60 years and I never raised my voice at her, not even once."
“Oh, thaaat Selma,” the angel nods. “You put up with her for 60 years?! Come right in!”
A man goes swimming in the ocean but gets suскеd out to sea. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says,
"I have faith, God will save me."
The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says,
"I have faith, God will save me."
The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying, "I have faith, God will save me."
The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replies,
"I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!"
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”
The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and said, “I am the Father of many.”
The boy said, “My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”
The priest, getting impatient, said “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly… but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, “Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”
It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sеx life. Man was horrified “Only twenty years of normal sеx life?” but the Lord was very adamant - that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. “But I don’t need twenty years”, he protested, “Ten is plenty for me.” Man spoke up eagerly. “Can I have the other ten?” The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, “Can I have the other ten?” The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, “Can I have the other ten?”
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sеx life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an аss of himself.
A priest is sitting inside the church, when a bloke comes in and asks to be confessed.
“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”
“Well, Father,” says the bloke, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, so just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.”
“But Father,” continues the man, “It doesn’t end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned again, Father.”
“Oh, child,” says the Father, “You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.”
“But Father,” says the bloke again, “On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and she wasn’t there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… Again I sinned, Father.”
“Good Lord,” says the priest, “Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-”
“But Father,” says the bloke, “On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was the maid, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned yet again, Father.”
The priest falls silent.
“And then,” continues the bloke, “On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her aunt, and , well… the two of us alone, the house empty…”
The priest still did not answer.
“And on Saturday,” said the bloke, “I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her grandmother, and, well…”
The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth - only to find the priest up on the belfry.
“Father,” he calls, “What are you doing up there? I haven’t finished!”
“Like sh1t, I’m coming down,” says the priest, “The two of us alone, the churches fсuкing empty… and I don’t want you to sin anymore.”