Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. Q:
"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A:
"No."
Q:
"Did you check for blood pressure?"
A:
"No."
Q:
"Did you check for breathing?"
A:
"No."
Q:
"So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A:
"No."
Q:
"How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A:
"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q:
"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A:
"It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he кill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q:
"So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A:
"Yes."
Q:
"And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q:
"She had three children, right?"
A:
"Yes."
Q:
"How many were boys?"
A:
"None."
Q:
"Were there any girls?"
12. Q:
"You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A:
"Yes."
Q:
"And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q:
"Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A:
"I went to Europe, Sir."
Q:
"And you took your new wife?"
14. Q:
"How was your first marriage terminated?"
A:
"By death."
Q:
"And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q:
"Can you describe the individual?"
A:
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q:
"Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q:
"Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A:
"No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q:
"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A:
"All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q:
"All your responses must be оrаl, OK? What school did you go to?"
A:
"Оrаl."
19. Q:
"Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A:
"The autopsy started around 8:30 p. M.."
Q:
"And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A:
"No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q:
"Are you qualified to give a urinе sample?"
A:
"I have been since early childhood."
Little Johnny was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a вiтсh is seven. Three plus six, that son of a вiтсh is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a вiтсh is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which оrgаn of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which оrgаn of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted.
She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson.
"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirтy mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
"Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was,
'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
"So, everyone knows that he was the first president."
"Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson.
"The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?'
Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.
"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson.
"The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?'
Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the сосаinе and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!