A fourth-grade teacher is doing a science lesson and asks all the children to perform an experiment of their own choosing. After the children have been busy for a few minutes, she gets to the desk of little Johnny. Johnny has a spider on his desk and she asks what he is doing. …
…
“Well Miss, the spider’s name is Herbert and watch this.” Johnny then bends down to the spider and whispers “Run, Herbert, Run” and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. The teacher is a little mystified. Johnny then gets a hold of the spider and removes one leg. The teacher is taken aback but lets the experiment continue. Johnny again whispers “Run, Herbert, Run” and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. Johnny then gets a hold of the spider and removes another 2 legs and repeats the experiment. “Run, Herbert, Run” and the spider does continue to move across the desk, a in a somewhat limp fashion. By this time the teacher is getting a little concerned.
The experiment continues in the same vein until Herbert, the spider, has one leg left (the teacher at this point is totally mortified). Little Johnny then bends down to the spider and again removes the last leg so that Herbert is now just a blob and again he whispers “Run, Herbert, Run” but Herbert doesn’t move. He repeats the command again but a little bit louder. After several attemps, Johnny is now shouting at the spider “Run, Herbert, Run” but still no movement. Johnny then looks at the teacher and she asks “Well, Johnny, an interesting experiment, but what are you trying to prove with it?”
Little Johnny replies, “Well, Miss, spiders with no legs are deaf”
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.
No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released. Then the biologist was brought forward. "Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward. Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
‘If you’re going to кill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.’
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
‘ Because I said so, that’s why.’
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.’
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
‘Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.’
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!’
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
‘I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.’
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
‘Stop acting like your father!’
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.’
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
‘Just wait until we get home.’
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
‘You are going to get it when you get home!’
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.’
19. My mother taught me ESP.
‘Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?’
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.’
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.’
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
‘You’re just like your father.’
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
‘Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?’
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.’
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
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An Australian Professor was conducting a research on crocodiles along the Sepik River and was escorted by a villager who knew a lot about the river and crocodiles. Paddling up the river, the Professor asked the village еsсоrт, "do you know how to read?" asked the Professor. The Villager replied, "nogat eh". The professor then said,
"Well, then you are already dead because you know nothing". The villager was so upset that he paddled the canoe without saying a word.
A little up the river, the villager then asked the professor, "do you know swimiology?" The professor replied, "No".
"Well then, you are dead," said the villager. "Because, if the canoeology is sinkology, you will not swimology, and the crocodiology will eatology your assology."