Science jokes

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I entered an online review and rated our Solar System. …
I gave it one star.

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I was going to do a joke about time travel…
…but nobody liked it.

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An expert has predicted computers will eventually replace paper altogether.
He has obviously never tried to wipe his аrsе with a laptop!

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I sometimes think of how much I miss my happy days at school: forcing new pupils’ heads down the toilet and flushing it; ваnging on classroom doors in the science block to get chased by the teachers; having a sneaky fаg round the back of the bike sheds; and, of course, queueing with the rest of the lads to get a вlоw job from Nikki ‘big тiтs’ of the sixth form.
I loved that caretaker’s job.

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I was planning to donate my body to science, but then I realised science has plenty of bodies already.
So now I’m donating my brain to religion instead.

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The new expensive Apple Watch has health sensors.
Sadly it doesn’t come with common senses for the buyer.

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“iPad is thin. iPad is beautiful.”
My laptop developed an eating disorder because of that advert.

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I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.
Actually, it’s turning 38.
It just looks 25.

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A British company is developing computer сhiрs that store music in women’s вrеаsт implants.
A company spokesperson declares this a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at their вrеаsтs without listening to them.

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A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college.
Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.
"Well," says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."
"Really?" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."
The dog says,
"Meow!"

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Why was Mickey Mouse in space?
Why else, he was looking for Pluto.

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Wife calls her scientist husband…
“Honey.. Its Saturday.. you’re late…” …
“I’m busy with my team in an experiment” ….
“Whats that?” …
“We’ve just added a derivative of C2H5OH with CO2 dissolved in ambient temperature H2O. To cool this mixture, added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while we wait for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine… It’s 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late.” …
“Oh dear.. I won’t disturb you. Take your time..” …….
….
Explaining a joke takes the air out of it, but this one time, I will help you. … derivative of C2H5OH = alcohol; CO2 dissolved in ambient temperature H2O is the carbonated water you find in вееr; …. cooled with super low temperature, solidified H2O, = ice; protein = waiting for meat, cheese delivery; pizza maybe? …. fumigating the lab = smoking.

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Scientists have discovered that the first known animals to reproduce sexually were an early species of fish.
And the smell remains to this day.

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What compound is made by 2 urea proteins found in urinе?
Di-urea.

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Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?
The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

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Are you made of gold, titanium, sulphur and carbon?
Because you are AuTiSTiC.

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A Mitochondrion walks into a bar and asks for some energy.
The barman says:
"That'll be 80p!"

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Darnit! The hour we lose this weekend as we “spring forward,” was the hour when I was planning to go to the gym.

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