Two bums are sitting talking.
The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever!
This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground.
So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fuскing one of them... had the best day ever."
The second вuм just laughs,
"That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks.
You know what I did?
I fuскеd her all day long."
The other вuм interrupts, "Bull!
You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life."
The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good вlоwjов?"
The other replies no.
"How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a вlоw job?"
To which the other replies,
"How could she? She didn't have a head!"
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sеx with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sеx with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my вuтт still hurts."
This is the story about a little girl that didn't know what cursing or what sеx was. Two nights before thanksgiving, she heard her parents having sеx. Her father said:
"Oh honey, I love your luscious тiтs." Then her mother said:
"And I love your slim diск!" The next morning, the girl asked her father what "luscious тiтs" were. The father panicked. "It's a fine coat." He said. The little girl then asked her mother what a "slim diск" is. The mother panicked and said:
"It's a pair of boots." The next morning was thanksgiving, she walked past her father shaving in the bathroom. He cut him self and exclaimed:
"Oh, shiт!" The little girl asked what shiт meant. "I'm shaving right now, sweety" said her father. Then the girl went into the kitchen where her mother was cooking the turkey. She accidentally dropped it on the floor and said:
"Oh, f*ck!"
"What does fuск mean?" Asked the little girl. "I'm cooking the turkey right now, sweety." replied her mother. Then the door веll rang. Her mother told her to go open the door and welcome the thanksgiving guests. The little girl walked up, opened the door and said:
"Hello everyone! Hang up your luscious тiтs, drop your slim diскs, my dad's upstairs shiттing and my mum's f*cking the turkey."
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!".
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
A man was in a long queue at his local supermarket. As he got to the register he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register:
She asked. "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom. "One box of large condoms, Till 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting and like most of us was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he told the cashier that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom microphone and said. "One box of medium sized condoms, Till 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sеxuаl contact with a woman, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the checkout he told the girl he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, she reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the Intercom and said…....
"Mop and bucket, till 5."