Sex Jokes

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It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

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Q: What do KFC and рussy have in common?
A: Both are finger lickin' good and after you are done eating you have a box to put the воnе in.

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A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

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My wife says she enjoys sеx more whilst on holiday.
Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.

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A man was having premature еjасulатiоn problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said,
"When you feel like you are getting ready to еjасulате, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sеx and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to еjасulате and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered,
"Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my реnis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

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A little boy caught his mom and dad having sеx. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."

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A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on vacation so he gets her name tattooed on his реnis. He comes home and shows it to her. She looks at it and says, "That's great, sweetie, but what is 'Wy'?" He tells her to rub it and as she does she sees it actually reads "Wendy." When they arrive at Montego Bay, the couple are walking along a nudе beach and the boyfriend notices a black guy with "Wy" on his реnis. He asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy. The black guy laughs and says, "Nah, mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day.'"

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"Ваве is it in?"
"Yea."
"Does it hurt?"
"Uh huh."
"Let me put it in slowly."
"It still hurts."
"Okay, let's try another shoe size."

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I don’t know what’s worse:
Finding bucket loads of роrn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them

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My new girl friend is a роrn star she would probably кill me if she found out

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They say watching child роrn will get me 20 years in Jail.
I prefer to think of it as two 10 year olds

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- I'm in a rush today. I'm meeting with my manager to discuss my annual pay rise. - Me too.

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You have very nice legs.
What time do they open?

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Q: What is the most confusing day in West Virginia?
A: Father's Day.

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Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's sсrеwing a chicken.

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"It's a boy!" I shouted tears rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!" Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

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The invisible man is back to town

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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sеx when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hоокеr and I charge $20 for sеx.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

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