A prospector and silver miner has had a string of bad luck and to make manners worse, his sеxuаl equipment is backed up from lack of nookie and he is as hоrny as a billy goat with four ваlls.
So he saddles up his mule and goes into town to visit the local sporting-house.
The Madam laughs at him when he says he wants a girl for $10. He says, “It’s all the money I’ve got, don’t you have someone?”
The Madam says, “all right, you can have Old Aggie. Go down the hall, count four doors on your left and go in door four. There isn’t a light switch in there, so fumble and feel around in the dark to find the bed, then you’ll find old Aggie lying there. Her hygiene isn’t very good so you’ll have to put up with the odor.”
The prospector heads down the hall. About 20 minutes later, he returns to the Madam’s desk.
“How was Old Aggie?”
“Well, the smell was pretty bad like you said. I found her pretty wet and lubed up, so that wasn’t bad. But every time I tried to kiss her, I got a mouthful of cold, wet rice.”
The Madam smiled. “You get what you pay for. That wasn’t rice, it was maggots. Old Aggie has been dead for almost a week.”
London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.
You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:
Opening ceremony
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
The events
In previous Olympic Games, East London’s competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 Metres sprint
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 Metres hurdles
As above but with added obstacles (i. E. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)
Hammer
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.
Fencing
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.
Shooting
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.
Boxing
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
Cycling time trials
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy’s boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
Cycling pursuit
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
Modern pentathlon
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
Swimming events
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by “The Verve.”
The marathon
A safe route has yet to be decided.
Men’s 50km walk
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be… mincing
The closing ceremony
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler
One day a man found an odd-looking lamp and rubbed it. From inside came a genie that told him he would get three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
"What would you like for your first wish?" asked the genie.
"I want one billion dollars," replies the man.
"Remember," says the genie, "your mother-in-law gets double of what you get."
"I know," replied the man.
The man then chooses his second wish, "I wish I had a brand new sports car." So he gets his second wish and he's very content.
"Your mother-in-law gets double what you get, now what would you like for your third wish?" asks the genie.
The man ponders for a moment, then answers, "I wish to be beaten half to death."
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said,
"Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.
Finally the genie said,
"This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."