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Sports Jokes

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I don’t see why people expect female linesman to be worse than male ones.
I mean, if there is something women are good at, it is pointing out mistakes made by men.
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Al: You're looking glum.
Sam: Yeah, my doctor says I can't play football.
Al: Really? I didn't know he'd ever seen you play!
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- A friend of mine went fishing today and caught a rainbow trout. ….
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He threw it back ’cause he said he didn’t wanna fry up no gаy fish.
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I whistled at some girls today and, almost immediately, they approached me and we started chatting.
I love refereeing female football matches.
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“Hey, you!” yelled the ranger to the small child. “Can’t you read that sign?
No fishing in this river.”
“I’m not fishing,” came the perky reply. “I’m teaching my worm how to swim!”
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O n a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me…I’m me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?”
The Englishman replied, “Very sporting of your mother.”
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A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. When the other guys would only catch three or four a day, Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. The warden asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So, the next morning the two men met at the boat dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done. Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Meanwhile, Sam set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the warden with these words, "Are ya gonna sit there all day complaining, or are ya going to fish?"
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My husband, a big-time sports fаn, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful.
“You know,” he said to our grandson, “it’s not easy getting old. I guess I’m in the fourth quarter now.”
“Don’t worry, Grandpa,” Our grandson said cheerily. “Maybe you’ll go into overtime.”
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Did you hear they banned fans from doing "The Wave" at all sports events? Too many blondes were drowning.
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I don't have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fат bits.
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A group of fellows always enjoyed their game of golf, but one of the boys was having trouble seeing the ball. His friends kept telling him he needed glasses.
Finally, he bought himself a pair, and his game improved 100%.
Back in the clubroom, they were talking over a few beers. “You’re playing better since you got your glasses,” one said.
“You’re right, I look down, and the ball’s as big as a basketball, just can’t miss it now,” he said. After a few more beers, he said. “Gotta go to the toilet; be back in a minute.”
When he came back, the front of his trousers was all wet.
“Gee, what happened to you?” his friends asked.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “I got in there, pulled it out, and it looked too big to be mine, so I put it back.
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There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn’t because of their wives objections.
So one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, “I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!”
The second said, “That`s nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!”
The third said, “Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn’t have to buy my wife anything!!!”
They both looked at him and asked how he managed that!
The smartest of the three said, “It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, “Golf course or Inтеrсоursе?”
She threw me a sweater and said, “Take this; it might get chilly out there!”
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A husband and wife were at the mall when they got separated. The wife calls him on her cell phone. "Where are you?" she asks.
"Well, do you remember the store when we were first married and you were looking at a beautiful ring in the jewelry store window, but we could not afford it?"
"Yes", she replies, excited to think about what he was about to say, a tear forming in her eyes.
"Great, I am at the sports store right next to it."
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A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing. …
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“A magic potion” she replies. …
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“Well what is it for?” he asks.
“This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer.”
At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sеx life.
After a short period of soul searching, he decides to try the potion. He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and has a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.
“Well”, she asks, “How has your game been?”
“Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game.”
“And how about your sеx life?”
“Oh, not bad.”
“Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy’s sеx life. Say, how many times did you have sеx last year?”
“Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times.”
“And you call that not bad?”
“Not for a priest with a small parish.”
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Driving a sports car and staying under the speed limit is like going to McDonalds for a salad.
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I'm not athletic. I gave up sports early. My last bungee jump was birth.
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Just one time I wanna hear a sports announcer say, "Man black people are fast!"
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Incredible NASCAR racing season… This is just a small selection of the races prior to Memorial Day:
Daytona 500
Auto club 400
Stp 500
Sprint showdown
Coca-cola 600
Tampax 300
That last race has been sold out for months, but I was able to get four tickets for me and three of my best friends…
I had to pull a few strings to get the tickets.
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