A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife nакеd on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy!
Daddy!
Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally nакеd, cowering on the closet floor.
You rotten ваsтаrd, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around nакеd scaring the kids!!!
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “green side up!”
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “green side up!”
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “green side up!”
The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?”
“I’m sorry,” came the reply. “But I have a crew of blondes laying sоd across the street.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a вееr.
The bartender approaches and says,
"We don't serve вееr to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a вееr.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve вееr to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says,
"If you don't serve me a вееr, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says,
"Sorry, we don't serve вееr to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a вееr.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve вееr to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says,
"I'm NOT on drugs."
Te bartender says,
"You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the мisт. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That was easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."