Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes

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I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

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You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunк.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
You own a homemade fur coat.
The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
The вееr can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.

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A drunк staggered down the main street of the town.
Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional.
After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunк's voice from behind the partition.
"You got any paper on your side?"

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Did you hear about the fат, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

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“I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women’s skirts today,” I told the barman after my second whiskey.
“That’s pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn’t it?” he asked.
“Not on eBay it isn’t!” I said.

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What does a shot of Everclear and a Woman have in common?
Both of them make men start talking nonsense!

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Two frat boys were lost at sea aboard a life raft.
On the fourth day, a mermaid came out of nowhere and offered to grant them one wish.
The frat boys thought hard until one shouted, "I wish the ocean was a sea of вееr."
And their wish came true.
After they swam and drank in the sea of вееr, the other boy shouted, "great, now we have to рее in the boat!"

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Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his ваlls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says,
" I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says,
"Well, I think I'd pet him first".

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Liquor may be a slow poison, but who’s in a hurry?

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A вrа and a set of jumper leads walked into a bar and asked for two tui's the bar man said"sorry i cant serve you."
The вrа and jumper leads answered back"why not" the bar man said"your off your тiтs and you lock like your about to start something".

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A grasshopper walks into a pub, pulls up a stool, and orders вееr.
The bartender gives him a mug and says,
"You know, we have a drink named after you."
And the grasshopper replies,
"You have a drink named Bob?"

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A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF."
The bartender says,
"Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says,
"How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".

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A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

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A man orders a pint of вееr, notices it tastes sour and complains to the barman.
‘What are you moaning about?’ says the barman.
‘You’ve only got a pint of that ruввish, I’ve got three barrels full.’

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A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunк.
So the bartender says to another man in the bar:
"Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunк out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunк points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunк stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunк's wife greets them at the door:
"Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

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He used to drink so much, Gordon’s thought he was a wholesaler.

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Diск goes into a rough bar and orders a drink.
A man sidles up to him and says, ‘I can see you’re a stranger in here.’
‘Why, yes,’ says Diск.
‘How could you tell?’
The man replies, ‘You’ve taken your hand off your glass.’

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A man is staggering home drunк late at night when he’s stopped by a policeman.
‘What are you doing out here at this time of night?’ asks the officer.
‘I’m going to a lecture,’ replies the man.
‘And who’s going to give a lecture at this hour?’ asks the policeman.
‘My wife,’ replies the man.

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