Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes
Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know youcan't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read inthe paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't beable to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numberswith them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine.The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, threedays the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you,Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons,so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, andit said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby thismorning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if youare an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskeyvat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so hedrowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off thebridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. Thedriver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down. Not much more news this time.Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I willsend another one. Love, Ma
A drunк man who smelled like вооzе sat down on a bench next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunк muttered in response, "Well, I’ll be dамnеd," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunк answered, "I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunк, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same " bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunк, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries
- "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?! "
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey.
After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying, "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight.
He didn't seem disturbed at all.
(Whew! Got away with that one!).
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, сrар," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."