Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my gеniтаls inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a вееr bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his gеniтаls, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.
The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the вееr bottle."
A herd of buffalo can only move as fastas the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones atthe back of the herd that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for theherd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole herd is maintained oreven improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, thehuman brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which theelectrical signals pass. Recent emiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of spirits helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of completing universitystudies and then getting married and settling down, most professionals cannot keep up withthe performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strictregimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that theyachieved during their university years. So, this is a call to arms. As ourcountry is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. But getback into the bars and pubs and quaff that pint! Your company and your countryneeds you to be at your peak, and at your best, and you shouldn't deny yourself the careeropportunities that you could achieve through excessive alcohol consumption. Takelife by the bottle and be all that you can be! And remember a good cold вееr willkill those bad, useless brain cells that are slowing you down and it will make thenecessary room needed to get the good brain cells up front and at the top ready to performat their best. So bottoms up, down the hatch, look out brain it's coming fast!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
Just before he takes a sip of his whiskey, a guy runs in and says, "Bill, your house burnt down!" So he runs outside, but then he thinks, "I don't have a house," so he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey. Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"He runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways, but then thinks, "I don't have a dad," so he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey. Then another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!" So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank, but then he thinks, "My name's not Bill."
A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?"
"Make it a whiskey," says the man who promptly throws it down in one gulp.
"That will be three dollars," says the bartender.
"Sсrеw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying."
"Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your сrар."
Two years later, the same man walks into same bar with the same bartender.
The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the a**hole who tried to соn a drink out of me, aren't you?"
"Excuse me, but I have no idea what you are talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!"
"Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double."
"Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whiskey."
