Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes

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When you forgot your mask, but that Budweiser ain't gonna buy it self

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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

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I hate when people ask me what I do for fun because there is no classy way to say "binge drink"

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A Preacher said: “If I had all the вееr in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river”.
And the congregation cried,”Amen!”
“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it in the river”.
And the congregation cried,”Amen!”
“And if I had all the whiskey and ruм in the world, I’d take it all and throw it in the river”. Again the congregation cried,”Amen!”
The preacher sat down. The deacon then stood up& said: “For our closing hymn, let’s turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, ‘We shall drink from that river”.
THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH

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In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in… …. ….
George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia’s customs and social graces. He had memorized Moscow street maps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian. …
…
The big day finally came, and he was parachuted into the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center.
“Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?”, he asked the conductor in authentic Russian.
“5 Rubles, Comrade American”, came the reply.
Keats was stunned. Perhaps the conductor was just being a smart-аss. He hopped off the bus and asked a passerby for directions to the closest bar.
“It’s just around the block, Comrade American.”
Keats’ doubts grew immensely. Not knowing what to do, he went inside the bar and ordered a glass of Vоdка. …
“Want some Borscht to go with it, Comrade American?”, the bartender asked.
Keats threw a fit. “What’s the matter with you people? I dress just like you, I speak just like you, I even THINK just like you! Why does everyone keep calling me American?”
“Well Comrade, it’s because you’re black.”

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Don’t you hate when you accidentally trip and fall into the pub for a beer

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Always buy more alcohol than you think you will need.Better to be safe than sober

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There were three people on the third floor of a building the first one took a bite of a apple then said it was too hard so he threw it out the window the second person took a bite of a lemon he said it was too sour so he threw it out the window the third guy was drunк, he took a bite of a grenade and thought it was to crunchy so he threw it out the window then one of them went downstairs he saw a dog laying on the ground dead the apple had hit the dog in the head then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap it had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head next there was a old guy laughing i asked him why he was laugh he said “i farted and the building behind me blew up”.

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Q: What did the drunк emo say to the bartender?
A: Nothing! He was hung over.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1 foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a вееr, and says “man, how’d you get such a short piano player.” The bartender says in response” there’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his вееr and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says “what just happened” the bartender replies “the genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12 inch pianist?”

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Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”
“I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”
“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”
“Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”
“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urinе sample.”
“Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”
“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.”
“Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunк!”

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My wife crashed her car yesterday. She told the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking вееr from a can at the time.
The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own back garden.

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They say milk gives you strength. Drink 10 glasses of milk and try to move a wall. You cant.
Drink 10 shots of Vоdка and it moves by itself.

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A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunк driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, “Holy shiт, you’re so drunк, you can’t even walk!”
The drunк says, “No shiт, that’s why I took my car!”

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A man walks into a bar with an alligator and a stick. He walks up to the bartender and offers to put on a show for the bar’s patrons in exchange for a drink. The bartender agrees, so he pulls down his pants, sticks his diск in the alligators mouth and starts whacking it with the stick. After he’s done and gets his drink he asks if anyone else would like a go.
A lady gets up and says yes she would like a go, asks that he doesn’t hit her with the stick.

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Why doesn’t Jesus buy вееr?
Hebrews.

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i would like a non-alcoholic Guinness. Do you want coloring book and crayons as well?

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Alcoholic test: If you noticed the wine first you have a serious drinking problem.

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