Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes
At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew asked the wise old Rabbi:
“Rabbi, why do people hate Jews so much?” The Rabbi thinks for a while and says “That is an interesting question. We will all talk about it tomorrow over some vоdка! Each one of you shall bring a bottle of fine vоdка, so we can mix it all up in a big vessel and drink, discuss, and then the answer will be clear.” …
…
The young Jew went home and thought to himself “if everyone else is going to bring a bottle of vоdка, I’ll just bring a bottle of water and no one will be the wiser.”
Next day the young Jew showed up with a vоdка bottle filled with water, anxious to see what answer the Rabbi would provide to his question. The Rabbi started to pour all the vоdка together in a vessel and began stirring it. The young Jew got impatient - “Please, Rabbi! What is the answer to my question? Why do people hate us so much?”
The Rabbi then filled a cup, gave it to the young Jew and said “Drink this now!”
The young Jew drank the cup and said “But this is just water!” And the Rabbi said, “and that is why the people hate us”
Tuna, again??
Seymour was a good and pious Irishman, and when he passed away, the Lord Himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.
“Hungry, Seymour?” the Lord asked.
“I could eat,” said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into hеll and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries, Guinness Stout and good Irish whiskey.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, “I could eat.”
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, 100year-old French brandy, and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
Meekly, Seymour said, “Lord, I am very happy to be be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. In the other place, they eat like Kings. I just don’t understand.”
“To be honest, Seymour,” the Lord said, “for just two people, does it pay to cook?”
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon and with great expression, he said,
"If I had all the вееr in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said,
" And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He then sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says, “Alright then” and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says “Alright then” and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The Scotsman says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says, “Hey where is your big black beard?”
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, “Secret Service!
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He had been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, have you ever danced?”
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.”
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, “Well you old fool, you are gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun. The old man asked, “Did you ever kiss a mule square on the аss?”
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “N-n-n-n-o. B-b-but I’ve always wanted to.”
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.
The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, “And why don’t you get me a whisky you вiтсh.”
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot’s outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man’s cup of coffee.
As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, “And get me another whisky you sluт.”
Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot’s whisky but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, “I’ve asked you twice for a cup of coffee wеnсh, I expect you to get it for me right now or I’m going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!”
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.
Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a lippy ваsтаrd… “