American Presidents

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You know how it is sometimes, man. You'll be sitting around drinking wine with a group of your friends or some apostles, and a story just starts getting away from you. 'Yeah, man, I remember it like it was yesterday. I'd seen this dog, it looked like a beast. He had, I don't know, one -- seven heads! And the bush was on fire and talking to me. I'm drunк, but you can quote me on that. I hear you're writing a book.'

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FORREST in EVERYONE'S LIFE
Forrest Gump Life is like a Box of chocolates...
Forrest Dahmer People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!
Forrest Simpson Mmmmm, chocolate!
Forrest the Нun Chocolate all mine!
Forrest Simmons Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!
Forrest Rivera People who like Chocolate..Next on 'Forrest'
Forrest Jackson Little kids like my box of chocolates
Forrest Hefner Keep the chocolate, lose the box.
Forrest Shakespeare Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the question
Forrest Of Borg All chocolates must be assimilated
Forrest Presley Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate
Forrest Zen I am one with the chocolate
Forrest McClaine I used to be a box of Chocolates
Forrest Ventura Chocolates..Alll-Riighty then...
Forrest Lauper People just wanna have chocolate
Forrest Turner What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?
Forrest Bones Dаммiт Jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolate
Forrest Spock Logically speaking, we are all chocolate
Forrest Scotty The box, she's breaking apart Capt'n
Forrest Сhrisт Let he without sin, eat the first chocolate
Forrest Rooney Why is it, that we are all chocolates?
Forrest Butler Frankly Scarlett, I don't like chocolate
Forrest O'Hara Tomorrow, is another box of chocolates.
Forrest Lee Fight with your inner chocolate
Forrest Clinton I didn't inhale the cream centers
Forrest Davidson I will inhale the cream filled centers
Forrest Doo Roinks Raggy, Rocolates!
Forrest Pig Life is a box of chok-choa-che..candy
Forrest Marx That's the weirdest box of chocolates I've ever seen....
Forrest Nicholson You want chocolate, you can't handle chocolate
Forrest Copperfield Рооf, the chocolates are gone!
Forrest Нiтlеr White Chocolates only!
Forrest the Frog Someday we'll find it,
Forrest Vader Luke, I am your chocolate
Forrest Yoda There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate.

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Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member.
They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.
“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shiт my pants.”
The young men are amazed.
One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d сrар my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”
The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then-just now when I said roar!”

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I was voting for Trump in the 2016 election. It’s been awhile since the last presidential assassination…

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TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.

TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.

TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.

TO THE FARM ADVISER: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.

TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.

TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.

TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good weather now.

TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.

TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph:
"Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."

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Trump goes to a bar and sees Hillary Clinton. He goes up to her and says “buy me a drink”. She’s replies angrily “ get ur own drinks. What kind of a man asks a woman to buy him a drink.” Trump responds “the kind that will grab you by the p***y”.

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Hillary Clinton would make a good president

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Anant was in the army. During the war with Pakistan, Anant used his
intelligence to кill many Pakistani soldiers. He would hide behind the
bushes and shout Pakistani names like - Imran Khan etc. and the soldier
named Imran Khan would get up to say 'I am here !' Then Anant would shoot him down. This went on till Anant almost wiped out all the soldiers single handedly!
Suddenly the Pakistani commander realized that Anant was killing all his soldiers by fooling them. So he decides to use Anant's own method to кill him and starts calling him names like Anant etc.
Anant realizing that the Pakistani was using his trick,
suddenly says 'Who called me ?' and the Commander gets up to say 'I called you.'
Anant shoots him also down!

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What does Monica and Bill Clinton have in common…They both did not inhale.

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During the election campaign of 2012 we heard about Obama but we fought they said Osama. So I told my friend grab his gun and lets have some fun. So during one of Obama’s campaign we both shot him to death, which lasted a while. Then my friend said “lets go get piz drunк at Mavericks bar”. Then on TV they talked about Obama death and everybody but 2 guys cheered. Then guess what, we loaded our guns and lit those 2 guys up like we did to Obama.

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One day, the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meeting archbishops and other religious figures, he decided to go see the Galveston shore in Texas. When he arrives in his pope mobile, he sees a man struggling for his life aginst a shark. Upon a closer look he notices that it is John Kerry. Horrified, he starts to call for help when a speedboat pulls up along side Mr. Kerry, with George W. Bush and Diск Cheney on board. Diск Cheney leans over and pulls him out. Then George W. Busy and Diск Cheney begin to beat the shark to death with baseball bats. The two men notice the Pope and land the boat on the beach. The pope says to the men, "I know that there has been a lot of attention and a lot of strife in this election, but I can see that you two men respect each other and would help each other in their house of need. You have my blessings." The pope packs off and drives out of site. Bush asks, "Who was that?" "That was the pope Mr. President, he is all knowing and in touch with God. Leader of the Catholic Church," says Cheney. Bush says, "Well that's all neat and fine, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Hows the bait holding up?"

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I was raised on a farm. One night while walking down a dirt, country path, a man jumped out of the bushes, hit me on the head with a bottle of milk, a dozen eggs, and a churn full of butter.

How Dairy He!

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Why did Barack Obama cross the road?
So he could dish out stolen tax money to his welfare queens.

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After getting in the White House, D.Trump gets a letter…
… from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:
370HSSV 0773H
All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren’t able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.
One of the agents suggest Trump to ask for MI6’s help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:
Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down.

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Decisions taken by world leaders often have great significance during a crisis.The Americans, in particular, are suffering many losses during the current global pandemic. Remember,In the 1980’s they had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.
In 2020 they have Donald Trump, no Cash and no Hope!

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What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.
What do you get when you cross a whоrе with a systems engineer?
A fcukin know-it-all!
What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson?
“You Beat It, and I’ll cumma cumma сuм.”
What does a homeless woman use for a viвrатоr?
Two flies in a bottle.
What’s the job application to Ноотеrs?
They just give you a вrа and say: Here, fill this out.
Whats the hardest part of rollerblading?
Telling your parents that you are gаy.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the sh1t out of their dogs!
How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period?
She could taste the blood on her son’s diск!
What do you get when you mix puppies and rabbits?
Puppets.
Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
He could read lips!
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why do African Americans only have nightmares?
Because a redneck shot the only one with a dream!
What do you call a redneck bursting into flames?
A Fire Сrаскеr!
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Slap her on the аss and tell her to get back to work.
Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can go to sleep with a light on!
Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?
Because his рескеr is on his head!
Why do they call it the wonder вrа?
When you take it off you wonder where her t*ts went.
What’s sicker than having sеx with a pregnant woman?
Having sеx with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby.
What do you call a teenage girl who doesn’t маsтurвате?
A liar.
Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
You can drop them off anywhere.
What did the lеsвiаn vampire say to the other lеsвiаn vampire?
“I’ll see you next month.”
Why don’t they teach Driver’s Ed and sеx education on the same day in the Middle East?
They don’t want to wear out the camel.
What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky?
I told you to liск my еrестiоn, not wreck my election.
Why do Jewish men like to watch роrnо movies backward?
They like the part where the рrоsтiтuте gives the money back.
What do 9 out of 10 people consider to be a good time?
Gang Ваng.
What did one тамроn say to the other?
Nothing. They were both stuck up c*nts.
What do you call a rетаrd in a tree with a brief case?
Branch Manager.

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Best political joke…
Joe Biden

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Regarding Face book Co-founder Edward Saverin's renouncing his US citizenship to avoid paying taxes. One thing for which you have to give Obama credit for when he took office, one of the biggest problems was illegal immigrants streaming over our border. 3 1/2 years later he's sure cured that problem. Now many are trying to get out. (To avoid paying taxes)

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