There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!"
The atheist yells back, "There is no God."
She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord."
The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts "Praise the Lord!"
The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God."
The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Sатаn pay for the groceries!"
George W. Bush and his VP running mate, Diск Cheney, were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb jokes people tell about me." Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of sтuрid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you." Cheney took George W. outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really sтuрid!"
"No kidding," replied George W., "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
Trump’s first day at the Oval Office. First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:
Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately.
CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.
Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.
Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can’t do that. It is Modi in India and not Manmohan.
Trump: So what?
CIA: Modi will cut Balochistan out of Pak.
Trump: I don’t care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.
Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Sir, we can’t do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.
Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Sir, we can’t do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can’t have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our stealth drone back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.
Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi’ite gov’t of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can’t do that.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can’t do that, sir.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they’re gone, who will build the wall?
Trump: I am banning H1Bs.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Trump: Why?
Chief of staff: If you do so we’ll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.
Trump: What the hеll should I do???
CIA: *Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!!!*
God bless America!
The guys are all at a deer camp. No one wants to room with Bob, because he snores so badly. They decide it isn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns. The first guy sleeps with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They say, “Man, what happened to you?” He says, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it is a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They say, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He says, ‘Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”
The third night is Fred’s turn. Fred is a tanned, older cowboy; a man’s man. The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he says. They can’t believe it. They say, “Man, what happened?” Fred says, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the вuтт, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.”
J ohn came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend Mark, and told him of his adventures. “I was out in the jungle,” he said, “when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit.
The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, and made towards it.
As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion’s face.”
“That’s some story there, John, I would have messed my pants.”
“Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON…???”
FORREST in EVERYONE'S LIFE
Forrest Gump Life is like a Box of chocolates...
Forrest Dahmer People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!
Forrest Simpson Mmmmm, chocolate!
Forrest the Нun Chocolate all mine!
Forrest Simmons Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!
Forrest Rivera People who like Chocolate..Next on 'Forrest'
Forrest Jackson Little kids like my box of chocolates
Forrest Hefner Keep the chocolate, lose the box.
Forrest Shakespeare Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the question
Forrest Of Borg All chocolates must be assimilated
Forrest Presley Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate
Forrest Zen I am one with the chocolate
Forrest McClaine I used to be a box of Chocolates
Forrest Ventura Chocolates..Alll-Riighty then...
Forrest Lauper People just wanna have chocolate
Forrest Turner What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?
Forrest Bones Dаммiт Jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolate
Forrest Spock Logically speaking, we are all chocolate
Forrest Scotty The box, she's breaking apart Capt'n
Forrest Сhrisт Let he without sin, eat the first chocolate
Forrest Rooney Why is it, that we are all chocolates?
Forrest Butler Frankly Scarlett, I don't like chocolate
Forrest O'Hara Tomorrow, is another box of chocolates.
Forrest Lee Fight with your inner chocolate
Forrest Clinton I didn't inhale the cream centers
Forrest Davidson I will inhale the cream filled centers
Forrest Doo Roinks Raggy, Rocolates!
Forrest Pig Life is a box of chok-choa-che..candy
Forrest Marx That's the weirdest box of chocolates I've ever seen....
Forrest Nicholson You want chocolate, you can't handle chocolate
Forrest Copperfield Рооf, the chocolates are gone!
Forrest Нiтlеr White Chocolates only!
Forrest the Frog Someday we'll find it,
Forrest Vader Luke, I am your chocolate
Forrest Yoda There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate.
Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member.
They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.
“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shiт my pants.”
The young men are amazed.
One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d сrар my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”
The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then-just now when I said roar!”