A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop is charging are very high.
She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. “Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50,” the clerk says. “$50?” the woman replies. “That seems terribly expensive for a frog.”
“Well, this frog is worth it. It’s been trained to give вlоw jobs.” The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sеx, and because she is not particularly fond of goofing соск, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he’ll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing her husband won’t bother her that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks. “What are you two doing down here?” she asks.
Her husband responds, “If I can teach this frog to cook, you’re out of here!”
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies,
"Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot
Tables. He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, ‘'You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your choicest sheep from the herd."
The young man takes one of the animals which he likes most and cute from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man laughed and answers, "Yes, why not?"
The shepherd says,
"You are an auditor."
"How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd.
" First, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business... now can I have my DOG back?"
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a God!
Gladys, a resident at the local assisted living apartment complex, invited her new neighbor to her place for coffee and dessert. Ethel, slightly younger than Gladys, sat down at the table and was anxious to spend time with her new friend.
"Here's your cup, and there's a teapot full of fresh tea," said Gladys.
"What an exquisitely clean cup and saucer," exclaimed Ethel. "How do you get them so spotless?"
"I do the dishes with Joy," exclaimed Gladys. "Would you like a piece of cake now?"
"And put it on this shiny clean plate? I imagine you clean your plates with Joy also?
"All the time," replied Gladys. "It really saves me a lot of money."
After some more conversation, and taking the last bite of her cake, Ethel glances over and sees a furry feline approaching her. "What an adorable cat," she exclaims while taking her last sip of tea.
"That's my little princess! Come here, Joy," as Gladys starts putting the cups and plates on the floor. "We're all finished with our lunch!"
Farmer John was in need of money and decided to try to sell his talking соw Bessie. He put an ad on Craig's List and got a call the first day. The potential buyer came over and wanted to see if indeed Bessie could talk. "My name is Ralph, and I'd like to see your talking соw."
Farmer John led him to the barn where Bessie was. "Here she is," Farmer John said. "I'll ask her a question and she'll answer it. Bessie, what do you call a person who borrows money without intending to pay it back?"
"Moooooo….." said Bessie.
"See? She just said mooch! Here's another one. Bessie, if I wake up feeling crabby, I'm in a bad…."
"Moooooo….." said Bessie.
"Right! A bad mood! One more. Bessie, what is that bright object in the night sky?"
"Moooooo……" answered Bessie.
"The moon! Right! So, ready to take her home, Ralph?"
"You, sir, are an idiот! I wouldn't buy diddly squat from you! Good bye!"
Farmer John pondered for a moment, then asked Bessie, "I think that last question still didn't convince him. What do you think, Bessie?"
Bessie replied, "I think you're right. I probably should have said Venus!"