Gladys, a resident at the local assisted living apartment complex, invited her new neighbor to her place for coffee and dessert. Ethel, slightly younger than Gladys, sat down at the table and was anxious to spend time with her new friend.
"Here's your cup, and there's a teapot full of fresh tea," said Gladys.
"What an exquisitely clean cup and saucer," exclaimed Ethel. "How do you get them so spotless?"
"I do the dishes with Joy," exclaimed Gladys. "Would you like a piece of cake now?"
"And put it on this shiny clean plate? I imagine you clean your plates with Joy also?
"All the time," replied Gladys. "It really saves me a lot of money."
After some more conversation, and taking the last bite of her cake, Ethel glances over and sees a furry feline approaching her. "What an adorable cat," she exclaims while taking her last sip of tea.
"That's my little princess! Come here, Joy," as Gladys starts putting the cups and plates on the floor. "We're all finished with our lunch!"
Farmer John was in need of money and decided to try to sell his talking соw Bessie. He put an ad on Craig's List and got a call the first day. The potential buyer came over and wanted to see if indeed Bessie could talk. "My name is Ralph, and I'd like to see your talking соw."
Farmer John led him to the barn where Bessie was. "Here she is," Farmer John said. "I'll ask her a question and she'll answer it. Bessie, what do you call a person who borrows money without intending to pay it back?"
"Moooooo….." said Bessie.
"See? She just said mooch! Here's another one. Bessie, if I wake up feeling crabby, I'm in a bad…."
"Moooooo….." said Bessie.
"Right! A bad mood! One more. Bessie, what is that bright object in the night sky?"
"Moooooo……" answered Bessie.
"The moon! Right! So, ready to take her home, Ralph?"
"You, sir, are an idiот! I wouldn't buy diddly squat from you! Good bye!"
Farmer John pondered for a moment, then asked Bessie, "I think that last question still didn't convince him. What do you think, Bessie?"
Bessie replied, "I think you're right. I probably should have said Venus!"
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"