Dirty jokes - Page 8

Q: How do you know a blonde just lost her virginity?
A: The crayons are still sticky.

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Q: What do you get if you cross a dirтy politician with a filthy womanizer?
A: Chelsea.

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Roses are red,
violets are blue.
Pornhub is Down,
your mums Facebook will do.

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I'm an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

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3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to кill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The native americans agreed to not кill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it.
So the first guy comes back with a peach.
The native american says "Shove it up your аss, if you laugh we кill you."
So, he shoves the peach up his аss and he laughs, and the native americans кill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape.
The native american tells him the same thing.
He laughs and the native american kills him.
They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"
The second guy says, "Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

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Q: What did the nut say to the bolt?
A: "Sсrеw me."

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Two rednecks, Bubba And Billy Bob, were walking through a pasture.
Bubba sees a sheep caught up in a fence and says to Billy Bob "I'm gonna get me some of that"!
Bubba goes over and sticks the sheep's back feet in his rubber boots, unzips his pants and starts to have sеx with the sheep.
He looks over his shoulder at Billy Bob and says "Do you want some of this"?
Billy Bob replies "yes let me see if I can get my shirt caught up in the fence".

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Q: What do you get when you cross Viаgrа with 3 Рlаyвоy Playmates
A: Hugh Hefner.

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I know an archaeologist who can tell you what period a тамроn was from.

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A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot реnis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational.
He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing.
The guy goes up close to the cage.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to liск him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down."
The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what рissеs me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fuскing perch."

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A little old man who's hard of hearing goes to see the doctor. As he can't hear very well, he takes his wife with him.
The doctor examines the man and then says,
"Hmm, I think we need to take a stool sample, a urinе sample and a sреrм sample."
The old man turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife replies,
"He said he wants your underwear."

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Gross Jokes Dirty jokes Old People Jokes

Once a blonde wanted to go to her boyfriend's home.
Her mom advised her: "My sweet whenever your boy friend wanted to touch your pants tell him there is a hot oven so your hand will burn."
Next day her mom asked her daughter: "Had you a good day?"
The blonde answered: "It was the best day in my life because when my boyfriend touched my pants I told him: 'There is a hot oven and your hand would damage!' But he urged me that I've one hot dog and I wanna to cook it for several times he put his hot dog in my pants and then he put it in my mouth for confident whether it has been cooked or not."

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Dad: "Who do you think the committee sсrеwеd this year?"
Me: "Mom."

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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sеxuаl performances on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried аnаl. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

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Q: How is a casino like a woman?
A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

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Little cowboy runs into a Bar shouting angerly "WHO's the lousy varmint that painted my horse green?"
A big cowboy sidles up to him and says "I DID.. want to complain to me?"
"No," says the little guy "just wanted you to know that the first coat is dry!"

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Tow millipedes went for honey moon.
The male one asked: "My darling, between which feet is your рussy, please?"

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A Yankee from Chicago and a Texan were talking.
The Yankee said, "s*ex is so easy where I'm from we just walk up and stick it in."
The Texan said, "where I'm from we stick it in and walk up."

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Two friends who had not seen each other for awhile met at a bar.
"Hey, your wife just had a birthday recently, didn't she? Did you get her anything special?"
"Yeah, I got her a pair of slippers and a dildо."
"A pair of slippers and a dildо?"
"Yeah, I said 'If you don't like the slippers, you can go fuск yourself.' "

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In school, we had to do a sкiт demonstrating key concepts of the English language.
My sкiт on the "diphthong" clearly demonstrated that the string micro-bikini was not a wise choice.

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