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* In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

* The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

* Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

* Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

* The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

* There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.

* An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

* Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

* Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

* Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

* There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

* Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.
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IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT, since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.
This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.
Merry Christmas.
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Един слепец обикаля из Парижките улици. Минава покрай рибарски магазин. Спира се. Подушва леко въздуха. Прави реверанс към витрината и казва с лека усмивка: "Добър вечер, момичета " C'est un aveugle qui passe à côté d'une poissonnerie. - Salut les brunes ! One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit. He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts. Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!" Kommt ein Blinder in einen Fischladen. Dann sagt er: "Hi Mädels!" Un orb trece prin fata unei pescarii, isi scoate palaria si zice: - Buna ziua, doamnelor! Was sagt ein blinder Mann, der einen Fischladen betritt? "Hallo Mädels." What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? Good morning ladies.
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NINE IMPORTANT FACTS TO REMEMBER AS YOU GROW OLDER
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel sтuрid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your вuтт tomorrow.
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There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said she, “Please stop plumbing,
I think someone’s coming!”
Said he, “Yes I know, love, it’s me.”
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There was a young girl from Devizes
Who had вrеаsтs of different sizes.
One was so small,
Really nothing at all,
The other was huge, it won prizes.
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A worried young man from Kabul
Founds lots of red circles on his тооl.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
“Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!”
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A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball.
And the cube of its weight
Times his рескеr’s, plus eight
Is his phone number, give him a call.
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There was an old woman from Australia
Who painted her аrsе like a dahlia.
The colors were fine,
the art devine,
The aroma, alas, was a failure.
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There once was a man from Kent
Whose соск was so long it was веnт.
To stay out of trouble,
He stuck it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.
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There once was a woman from Reno
Who lost all her money at keno.
She laid on her back,
And opened her сrаск,
And now she owns the casino.
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There was this lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride,
With the lady inside
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
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There once was a girl named Florence
Whose вrеаsтs were huge & immense.
One day, while playing soccer,
Out popped her left knocker,
And she kicked it right over the fence.
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There was a young man from Peru,
Who gave his dear sister a sсrеw.
He said with aplomb,
“You’re better then Mom!”
Said she, “That’s what Dad told me, too.”
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There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn’t his style.
“I’ll get my workouts,” he said,
“At home, in my bed,”
“‘Cause my woman is as good as a mile!”
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There once was a sailor from Brighton
Who said to a lass, “You’re a tight one.”
She replied “‘Pon my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole!
There’s plenty of room in the right one.”
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A Scotsman who lived on the loch
Had holes down the length of his соск.
He could get an еrестiоn,
And play a selection
Of Johann Sebastian Bach.
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There once was a girl from Jamaica
Who got laid by a big alligator.
Now, nobody knew
The result of that sсrеw,
Because after he laid her, he ate her.
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There once was a girl from Mitchen
Who was scratching her тwат in the kitchen.
Her mother said, “Rose,
you’ve got сrавs I suppose.”
She said, “Yes and those fcukers are itchin’!”
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A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In just 80 days,
They sсrеwеd 80 ways.
Imagine such fcukin’ devotion!
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There once was a fellow quite gingerie
Who tore holes in his sister’s best lingerie.
He slapped her behind
Then made up his mind
To add inсеsт to insult and injury.
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The mathematician Von Blecks
Derived the equation for sеx.
He found a good fcuk
Isn’t patience or luck
But a function of Y over X.
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There once was a girl named Maureen
Who was so remarkably lean.
So flat and compressed,
That her back touched her chest,
And sideways, she couldn’t be seen.
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There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch
She could only be sсrеwеd by Houdini.
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There was a young тrоllор at Yale,
Who had verses tattooed on her tail;
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
A duplicate version in Braille.
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“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose.You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.
3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into вiggеr boys.
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In a saloon in the old West, a large crowd of cowboys was drinking and carousing with the dance hall girls. In walked a greenhorn Easterner, a dry goods supplier from New York. He sat down at the bar and ordered a вееr. Just then a boy ran in from outside through the swinging doors, completely out of breath. The crowd stopped what they were doing and stared at him.

“Big John’s in town,” the boy said, gasping.

In less than a minute, the entire crowd, except for the greenhorn, tumbling over one another, rushed out, including the bartender and everyone else who worked at the saloon, leaving the place completely empty and in disarray. The greenhorn realized that he should probably go, too. So he quickly downed the remainder of his вееr, grabbed ahold of his sample case and started for the door.

Unfortunately, before he could reach it, another cowboy walked in, blocking his way. The man was huge, almost seven feet tall and muscular, with a face that was menacing, rugged and scarred. Hanging from his belt were two large six-shooters that had obviously seen plenty of action. The Easterner, frozen in fear, stood glued to the spot, unable to speak.

The huge man, towering over him, then glared at the greenhorn and said in a, deep, gravelly voice, “You drink with me.”

The greenhorn saw this as an order, not an invitation. So he walked over with the man, his heart pounding, fearing for his life, then sat down at the bar next to the cowboy, who then proceeded to pour each of them a whiskey. The massive cowpoke quickly downed his drink, wiped his face with his sleeve then stood up and started walking towards the door.

“Can’t stay,” he said, “ Big John’s in town.”
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A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to his barber who responded…
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It’s crowded and dirтy and full of Italians.
You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking American Airlines,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“American Airlines?” exclaimed the barber.
“That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump? That’s the worst hotel in the city.
The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced.
So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him.
He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.
The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of American Airlines s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel - it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodelling job, and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” asked the barber. “What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get the сrаррy haircut?”
Жена си прави прическа, преди да замине на екскурзия до Рим. Esto era un tipo ingenioso que se fue a cortar el pelo, y el peluquero resultó ser un charlatán de cuidado. Así hablando el tipo le contó: - Estoy pensando en ir de viaje a Roma. -¿ A Roma? Allí... Facet przed wycieczką do Rzymu postanowił jeszcze udać się do fryzjera. Podczas strzyżenia wspomniał fryzjerowi o wycieczce, a ten na to: - Rzym? Po co ktokolwiek chciałby tam jechać? Jest...
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From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about the Dutch firm that has been hired to manage the International Arrivals Building at New York's John F. Kennedy Airport:
The tile under the urinals in the Arrivals Building has that familiar lemony tinge; rubber soles stick to it. Over in Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol's urinals would pass inspection in an operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that each urinаl has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.
"It improves the aim," says Aad Kieboom. "If a man sees a fly, he aims at it." Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphol's own building expansion. His staff conducted fly-in-urinаl trials and found that etchings reduce spillage by 80%. The Dutch will transfer the technology to New York.
"We will put flies in the urinals yes," Jan Jansen says in a back office at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as of noon today. "It gives a guy something to think about. That's the perfect example of process control."
But a spokesperson for Rudy Guiliani, Mayor of New York, was heard to say, "What do we need with Dutch flies when we have more than enough roaches to рiss on?"
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