Blonde Jokes

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A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read! It has no plot and far too many characters!"
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks, "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."

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There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too sтuрid to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."

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Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudiтy.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What's the fastest way to a mans heart?
A: Through the chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: Why does the bride wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q: How do you know when you are really ugly?
A: Dogs huмр your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends,"
Q: Why did god create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could have sеx,too.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What's the difference between Вееr Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Вееr nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Вrеаsт don't have eyes.
Q: What's the difference between a northern fairy-tale and a southern fairy-tale?
A: A northern fairy-tale begins "Once upon a time" a southern fairy-tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this сrар."

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A man was stopped at a checkpoint on the way home from a visit to Mexico. The blonde border guard said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!"
The traveler replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll backwards!"
The guard, "Do you take me for a FOOL?! That won't keep me from inspecting things!"
He gets into the car himself, in the passenger's seat, and applies the brake himself.
"Now," he says, "That takes care of that, now go and open the trunk!!"
So the traveler complies and opens the trunk of the car.
"Now", shouts the guard from inside the car, "Are there any drugs or contraband in there?"

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She is not a ВАВЕ or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not HALF NАКЕD - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not КINКУ - She is a NON-INHIBITED SЕXUАL COMPANION.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNК or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FАТ or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She is not НОRNУ - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have ВRЕАSТ IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUТ - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE НООТЕRS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.

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Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a воов job."
The second woman says, "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my аsshоlе bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

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A blonde was visiting Washington D.C. for the first time andwanted to see the Capitol building.
Unfortuantely, she washaving trouble finding it. Finally she saw a police officerand asked him for directions."Well if you wait at that bus stop right there and get onthe 54, it will take you right there." explained theofficer."Thank you" she cooed, and walked to the bus stop.Five hours later, the police officer was driving by again,and sure enough, the blonde was still standing at the busstop.The officer stopped and said "Excuse me miss, but I told youthat to get to the Capitol building, you take the number 54,and it will take you right there. What are you still doinghere?""Oh don't worry officer." she replied. "It won't be longnow. The 47th bus just went by."

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One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven. So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed. The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed. But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke. God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet" The blonde said "Hahaha I just got the first one!!!"

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Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? A: Last years hide and go seek winner.

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Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

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A blonde goes out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them: I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says,
"I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful nакеd body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to liск her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says,
"I've never seen a display like that in my life," He then turns to the young man and asks, "can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

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Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one...dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, heiroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to кill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.During all сriме investigations, it is necessary to visit a sтriр club at least once.All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.If someone says 'I'll be right back', they won't.Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

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A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline shouted, "12 Brazillian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news, then she turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazillian?"

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A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the Blonde CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
'Listen,' said the CEO, 'this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?'
'Certainly,' said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
'Excellent, excellent!' said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. 'I just need one copy...'

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A blonde was driving down a highway and all of a sudden a cop sitting on the road side turns on his flashing red lights. The blonde seeing the red lights pulls over to the side of the road and waits for the cop.
When the cop gets there he says to the blonde, "Lady you were doing 43 miles per hour in a 30 mile an hour zone."
The blonde says,
"No I wasn't. The sign back there said 43."
To this the cop snaps back, "Lady, look ... that was a highway number sign, this is highway 43 and your doing 43 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour zone."
The blonde repeats her story again claiming she was not speeding. The cop scratches his head and returns to his car to ask his bald partner what he should do.
After telling his bald partner the story, his partner says,
"Bill, you better give her a ticket. The 401 is just up ahead and then we'll never catch her."

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The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven", she replies.
The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess she's right!"
"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.
"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.
The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him.
"Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?" he asks her.
The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. "The interview went great!" she says. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a мurdеr case!"

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Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promisedtheir Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman allhis life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the twoblondes kept their promise. They set off fromClearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up ina burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're outfar enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the sideandfinding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, notyet Bubbles'. So they row a little farther.... AgainBubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out farenough now? Once again Barbie slips over the sideand almost immediately says, 'No, this will neverdo, the water is only up to my chest.'
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbieslips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit oftime goes by and poor Bubbles is really gettingworried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surfacegasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enough yet,Sis?'
'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'

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