There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn''t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the dаrn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't кill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."
The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I''m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding вuтт nакеd in this married chick''s refrigerator....."
Actual conversation recorded on channel 106 of the maritime emergency frequency off the Galatian coast of Spain between Spaniards and Americans the 16th of October, 1997.
Spaniard: (background noise) This is A-853, please alter your heading 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision. You are headed straight for us, at a distance of 25 nautical miles.
American: (background noise) We suggest you alter your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision.
Spanish: Negative. Repeat, please turn 15 degrees south to avoid collision.
Americans: (another voice) This is the captain of a ship of the United States of America speaking. We request that you turn 15 degrees north to avoid collision.
Spanish: We do not consider that doable, nor convenient. Please turn 15 degrees to the south to avoid colliding with us.
Americans: (heated tone) THIS IS CAPTAIN RICHARD JAMES HOWARD SPEAKING, IN COMMAND OF THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY, THE SECOND LARGEST WARSHIP IN THE AMERICAN FLEET.
WE ARE ESCORTED BY 2 GUNBOATS, 6 DESTROYERS, 5 BATTLESHIPS, 4 SUBMARINES, AND A NUMBER OF OTHER SUPPORT VESSELS.
I DO NOT "SUGGEST", I "ORDER" YOU TO CHANGE YOUR HEADING 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH. IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY, WE TAKE ALL NECESSARY MEASURES TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS VESSEL.
PLEASE OBEY IMMEDIATELY AND REMOVE YOURSELVES FROM OUR COURSE!!!
Spanish: This is Juan Manuel Salas Alcantara speaking. We are two people. We are escorted by our dog, food, 2 beers, and a canary that's asleep at the moment. We have the support of the radio station "Cadena Dial de La Coru" and channel 106 of the emergency maritime frequency.
We aren't going to turn anywhere, seeing as we're speaking from land. We're in the lighthouse A-853 of Finisterra on the Galatian coast. We don't have the foggiest clue about where we rank in Spanish affairs. You can take whatever measures you please and do whatever the fuск you want to guarantee the safety of your piece of shiт vessel, that's going to crash into the rocks!
So we insist, once again, and we recommend you do the most sensible thing and change your heading 15 degrees south to avoid collision.
Americans: Roger, thanks.
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well, she replies,
"My boss and I played the lottery and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies "My boss and I played the lottery and we won again, so I bought It with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari....... You guessed it:
Her share of the lottery winnings....
That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while She gets undressed.
When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.
"What the fuск is this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies,
"We don't want to get your lottery ticket wet, do we??"
A student at college had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy, he questioned the professor & decided to make a deal with him 'professor, do u consider yourself to know everything about the law?
He asked. 'Absolutely, otherwise i would not be capable of standing in front of u & lecturing u on the subject' he replied. The student continued; if u can answer this question, I will agree with u & accept my final marks, if u cannot, u have to give me an 'A" the professor laughed but agreed.
The boy continued, 'what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
The professor thought about it for hours and pondered no answer. He had to finally give up as he really did not know. He gave the boy his 'A' the following day at lecture, the professor was still struggling with dis unknown mystery & decided to pose the question to his students: class, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
He paused for a second in shock when all students raised their hands with a possible answer. He pointed out one student and waited:
"sir, u're 65, married to a 28 yr old woman, this is legal but not logical, ur wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal, ur wife's boyfriend has failed his exam & yet u have given him an 'A'. That is neither logical nor legal".
The professor collapsed. --__--
