Cheating Jokes, Infidelity Jokes, Adultery Jokes

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Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he had left his plane ticket on top of his dresser.
He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door and walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left t!t.
“Leave only one quart of milk,” she said. “Jon won’t be here for breakfast tomorrow.”

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A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a hоокеr before, but he decides what the hеll…
They’re going at it for a couple minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them-it’s a police officer. “What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”

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George looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred’s wife while she sunbathed торlеss.
The next day, George corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, “I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday.”
Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told George he planned revenge.
That very evening, Fred noticed that George’s bedroom shades were up.
Upon closer inspection, he notices George’s wife in the act of performing оrаl sеx.
The very next day Fred calls out to George, “Hey, George, I saw your wife giving you a вlоw-job last night.”
George laughed. “Ha ha ha! Liar! I wasn’t even home last night.”

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Me and the wife went to marriage guidance.
They told us we should keep a diary of every time we have sеx.
So far I’m winning 7 - 4.

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My best buddy said to me yesterday, “If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?” …
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I said, “No man, that would just make us even.”

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Not a joke but a good read…
The first part is a girl’s email apology to her boyfriend for cheating. The second is his hilarious reply…
Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly, truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won’t even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a sтuрid thing. I can handle you being рissеd at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can’t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.
It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t сrаск a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don’t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn’t. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and sтuрid, I can’t imagine my days without you.
It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn’t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
RESPONSE:
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under ‘L! ‘ for ‘Long-winded diatribes from drunken whоrеs I couldn’t care less about’. You did a sтuрid thing huh? No…doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is ‘a sтuрid thing’; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is ‘a sтuрid thing’; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you’re taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn’t as much a ‘Sтuрid thing’ as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I’m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying ‘Well, I didn’t fuск him’ somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world ‘looked funny’ to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around вlоw dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I’m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings for 24 hours straight.
The good news for you is that my friends don’t think you’re a terrible person, they just think you’re the average run of the mill сuм-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child роrn collector.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.
Talk to you never,
Brad

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A mortician was working late one night examining dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was amazed. Schwartz had the longest ‘member’ he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with such a tremendously huge as this. It has to be saved for posterity.”
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s unit. He then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said as he opened up his briefcase.
“Oh my God!” the wife suddenly screamed, “Schwartz is dead!

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My daughter came home from school yesterday carrying a child’s artwork… “Look what I made daddy,” she said, “We were supposed to draw a scene from inside our house.”
I looked at it and said, “That’s nice sweetheart, but when have you seen a gorilla and a pink elephant standing under a waterfall in this house?”
“That’s not what that is daddy. That’s mommy and her friend Tyrone in the shower when you’re at work.”

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My Lawyer said to me
“I have some good news and I have some bad news”?
“I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first”? I said
My lawyer said: “Your wife invested $5,000 in 2 pictures today that she figured were worth a minimum of $5 million”!!!!
“Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day - now what’s the bad news”?? I replied enthusiastically
“The pictures are of you sсrеwing your secretary” he said

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I just told my wife that I had sеx with another woman.
She said, “Can you please repeat that for me?”
I said, “Sure, I’m seeing her again tomorrow night.”

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My Wife asked ‘Why don’t we have sеx any more?’
I said ‘what do you mean we?’

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I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sеx, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that.
This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.

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Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven when they struck up a conversation.
“How did you die?”, the first woman asked the second.
“I froze to death,” said the second.
“That’s awful,” said the first woman. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”
“It`s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second woman. “You get the shivers and shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But, eventually, it`s a very calm way to go. You get very numb and just sort of go to sleep. How did you die?”
“I had a heart attack,” says the first woman. “You see, I knew my lousy husband was cheating on me, so one day, I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, but I found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there, so I ran as fast as I could up to the attic. Just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second woman shakes her head. “That`s so ironic,” she says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first woman.
The second woman tells her, “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we would both still be alive.”

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A woman walks in on her husband performing änäl sεx on his secretary. …
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The wife screams, “You can’t do this to me!” …
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The husband says, “I know. That’s why I’m doing it to her.”

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My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments. ….
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Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.

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My woman and I have finally worked out a good arrangement.
I mean, one night a week I go out with the guys and one night a week, she goes out with the guys.

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Putting a pin through all of my best friends condoms seemed like a good idea at the time.
Backfired though when I found out my wife is pregnant.

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A boy called up his mom from hospital, “Mom, I took tests and they declared that I have AIDS.”
Mom, “What? Don’t come back home son, go away.”
Boy “Why mom, I’m your son.”
Mom, “You foolish boy! If you come back home, then your wife will be infected, from your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister, from my sister to her husband, from her husband to me, from me to our gardener, from our gardener to your sister…
And if your sister got it, then the whole town is in trouble.

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