Sandy McTavish had an old friend, Jоск Murdock, who was quite ill. Sandy came to visit and Jоск said, "Sandy, I've only a short time to live, I'm on my death bed lad." Sandy knew that and in a non-committal way he said, "Aye, that a' know old friend." Jоск turned to Sandy and said, "Sandy, de ye nay ken that old bottle of Scotch that I hae been saving ah these years." Sandy, an aficionado, was immediately attentive and said, "Aye Jоск, that I do." Jоск said, "ye are guid friend and when I've passed I would have yee pour that Scotch on ma grave." Sandy was profoundly moved for his own reasons. After considering Jocks request for an agonizing period he brightened, turned to Jоск. "Aye- aye Jоск I'll de that for an old friend, but ye wouldna mind if I put it through my kidneys first."
John was driving his pickup down a country lane when suddenly a chicken darts out into the road in front of him. He's just about to slam on his brakes to avoid the chicken when he realizes that the chicken has sped on ahead doing about 30 miles per hour.
Amazed, he sped up to follow, but the chicken takes off faster and faster. Finally the chicken screeches into a turn and goes into a small farm. As he turns to follow, John notices that the chicken has three legs. He pulls to a stop in front of the farmhouse, and looking around, notices that ALL the chickens have three legs.
He says to the farmer, "Three-legged chickens? That's astounding!"
The farmer replies, "Yep, I bred 'em that way -- I love drumsticks."
John:
"Well, tell me, how does a three-legged chicken taste?"
Farmer:
"Dunno, haven't been able to catch one yet."
There was a farmer who sold a pound of butter to the baker. One day, the baker decided to weigh the butter to see if he was getting a pound, and he found that he was not. This angered him, and he took the farmer to court. ...
The judge asked the farmer if he was using any measurement.
The farmer replied, "Your Honor, I am primitive. I don't have a proper measurement, but I do have a scale."
The judge asked, "Then how do you weigh the butter?"
The farmer replied "Your Honor, long before the baker started buying butter from me, I have been buying a pound loaf of bread from him. Every day, when the baker brings the bread, I put it on the scale and give him the same weight in butter. If anyone is to be blamed, it is the baker."
A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him, "Hey, come over here buddy!" The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Were you talking to me?"
The horse replies, "Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run."
The jogger thought to himself,"Boy, a talking horse!" Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer, "Hey man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field."
The farmer replies, "Son, you can't believe anything that horse says. He's never even been to Kentucky."
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. For facilities, they had to use an outhouse. The little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and smelled all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. The outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree at the time."
A farmer had four female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned four male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each to a field in which the pigs could mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the Station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were about worn out.
About two weeks later the farmer with the female pigs was too tired to get out of bed. He said to his wife, "Honey, please go look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," replied his wife...."they're all in the station wagon...and one of them is honking the horn.”
Farmer Emmitt had just finished cutting up hog meat when he gave his wife two hams and said, "Cora take these two hams and put them up for hard times." Cora took the hams and put them in the freezer. One week later while Cora was sitting on the porch, an old truck pulled up and a man with an unfamiliar face got out. The man said, "Hello there Cora, how's it going." Cora replied, "Do I know you?" The man said, "You should, I'm very popular around here. They call me Hard Time." Cora jumped up and said, hold on a minute I got a package for you. She ran in the kitchen grabbed the two hams and gave them to the man. The man said well thank you Mrs. Cora that's rather nice of you, then left. A couple of days later Emmitt asked Cora about cooking one of those hams he gave her to put up for hard times. Cora said, "Hard Time done came and got the hams already and it wouldn't be right to ask for one back!