Food Jokes

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Southerners have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously.
You are going to die anyway, so live life.
They also try to avoid natural foods as most people die from natural diseases, and deep frying will кill all the germs.
So here it is!
The Southerner’s Medical Dictionary
Artery………………………. The study of paintings
Bacteria……………………. Back door to cafeteria
Barium……………………… What doctors do when patients die
Benign……………………… What you be, after you be eight
Cesarean Section…… A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan………………….. Searching for Kitty
Cauterize…………………. Made eye contact with her
Colic…………………………A sheep dog
Coma………………………. A punctuation mark
Dilate………………………. To live long
Enema………………………Not a friend
Fester……………………… Quicker than someone else
Fibula……………………… A small lie
Impotent………………….. Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain…………….. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff…………… A Doctor’s cane
Morbid……………………… A higher offer
Nitrates……………………. Cheaper than day rates
Node………………………… I knew it
Outpatient………………… A person who has fainted
Pelvis…………….. ………. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative………… A letter carrier
Recovery Room………. Place to do upholstery
Rectum……………………. Dамn near killed him
Secretion…………………. Hiding something
Seizure…………………… Roman emperor
Tablet……………………… A small table
Terminal Illness………. Getting sick at the airport
Tumor……………………… One plus one more
Urine………………………. Opposite of you’re out

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What do cannibals call athletes?
Fast food!

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There were two muffins sitting in an oven. The first muffin looked at the second muffin and said,
"Man, it's getting hot in here!"
Then the second muffin looked at the first muffin.
"Oh my God! A talking muffin!"

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I was watching a Sean Penn movie the other day. Doesn't Sean Penn have that face like he's looking at a menu and hates the food?

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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

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A man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says “I have some bad news. You have HAGS.”
“What is HAGS” the man asks.
“It’s hеrреs, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis” says the doctor.
“Oh my God” says the man. “What are you going to do?”
“We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.”
“Is that going to help me” says the man.
“No” says the doctor. “But it’s the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door”

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I went to the Carnegie Deli, and I had one of the celebrity sandwiches. I had the Joe Franklin, and what they do is they serve the dressing on the side, and they comb it over the sandwich.

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My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school. One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him that the intercom wasn't working properly.
My friend's son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.
After making some fixes, she asked,
"Is that okay now?"
"Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."

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Have you ever been drunк in the middle of the day? And I don't mean a couple of cocktails with lunch -- I mean like severely messed up. It's weird because you can't even properly relate to people anymore. I was like, 'What do you mean I can't get an Egg McMuffin? What -- because it's after 11? That's ridiculous.' He's like, 'No, sir, because this is a bank.'

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I’ve managed to loose loads of weight this month. The whole ‘not having any money for food’ thing is really working well.

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There was once a king who had a majestic daughter, he was extremely protective of her that he made a rule that no man is ever to approach his daughter.
In the kingdom there were 4 men that were completely lost by her beauty and wanted to lay with her. They decided that they will disobey the king's ruling and kiss her. At night fall they plotted to sneak in to her quarters and execute their plan. Night fall came and they all broke in an kissed the princess.
Pleasing to the princess she moaned in pleasure alarming the guards. The four men were held and brought to the king. The king decided to put them to death but the princess pleaded for them and the king decided he will release them on one condition. They must go out to the wilderness and return with 7 fruits.
Excited with such an easy escape they rushed out: out of the 4 men 3 returned the 1st had 7 apples, the 2nd with 7 pears and the 3rd with 7 grapes.
Becoming impatient with the 4th man the king said let's continue with the punishment, he told the men that in order to be released they will each have to fit the 7 fruits into their mouth.
The 1st tried with his apples he manged one but couldn't fit the others and was put to death.
The 2nd desperate to live manged 3 pears but couldn't fit the others and was put to death.
The 3rd easily popped 6 of the grapes in his mouth but with the 7th he burst out with laughter and spit all 7 out and was put to death.
Before he was put to death the others looked at the 3rd guy and asked:
"What went wrong with you, why couldn't you fit 7 grapes in your mouth?"
He replied, "Of course I could but I just lost it when I saw the 4th guy coming with 7 watermelons."

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I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

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Teacher: What are the four main food groups?
Students: Canned, frozen, instant, and lite.

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I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.

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Do you ever see your nana reach in for the good nacho with her nana hand? And in your head you think, 'You son of a вiтсh.' You don't think, 'Oh golly gosh, Nana. You're a rascal.' No, you think, 'Nana is a son of a вiтсh.' You don't say it, but what if we had Tourette Nacho Syndrome? Where she grabs onto the nacho:
'Really, Nana? You whоrе!'

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There once was an old monk that lived up on top of a mountain. He walked 10 miles barefoot every day and had terrible breath due to his position on non-natural objects and foods.
He called himself The Truth-Carrier, but everyone in the small mountaineering town knew him as a super calloused fragile mystic with chronic halitosis.

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Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place….
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hеll - they don’t even serve food anymore, so
What’s the loss?
The strippers would at least triple
The alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see nакеd women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and ‘special services.’
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing nакеd women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn’t Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

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I’m an animal in bed. I like to be patted on the head and given food.

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