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Food Jokes

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An old man is sitting at his table in the hotel dining room with a bowl of soup in front of him. He calls the waiter over and asks him to taste the soup.
"Is the soup too cold?" asks the waiter.
"Taste the soup," says the old man.
"Is it too salty?" asks the waiter.
"Taste the soup!" says the old man.
"Is there a fly in it?" asks the waiter.
"JUST TASTE THE SOUP WILL YA!" the old man insists.
The waiter looks down:
"OK then... Where is the spoon?"
The old man exclaims, "Aha!"
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What food did Dracula bring to the party?
Fang-furters!
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A man goes to hospital feeling really unwell.
The Doctor performs some tests and says, “I am afraid you have a very rare and very contagious disease, we”re transferring you to a room where you will be fed a diet of Pizza, toast and pancakes.”
“Will that cure me?” asks the man.
“No,” says the Doctor, “it”s the only food we can pass under the fuскing door!”
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Yo momma is so fат, that all the local fast foods joints have now installed a "Roll Thru"
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Fifty cents to use the pay toilets at Taco Веll. What's Taco Веll telling us when taking a dump is 50 cents, but a Fiesta Taco is 39 cents? What is that -- eat now, pay later?
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Burns: Do you like to love?
Allen: No.
Burns: Like to kiss?
Allen: No.
Burns: What do you like?
Allen: Lamb chops.
Burns: Lamb chops. Could you eat two big lamb chops alone?
Allen: Alone? Oh, no, not alone. With potatoes I could.
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Why were the Cocoa Puffs so afraid of their owner?
They heard that he was a cereal killer.
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You ever go shopping for a really cute, little, sеxy black dress -- and you come home with an extra-large pepperoni pizza?
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Some people who don't like seafood complain that it tastes too fishy...
How can you be so arrogant as to eat something and then complain that it tastes like itself???
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What did the apple say to the orange?
"I despise you for being different from me."
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She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos -- saved us money somehow. I don't know how. The coupon queen worked that out.
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Anytime there was a problem in the world, we'd send troops. Now, anytime there's a problem in the world, we send food. Problem in Bosnia, we send them food. Problem in Somalia, we send them food. Clinton's like my mom.
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I'm watching TV with my father late at night 'cause he doesn't sleep. And you know that commercial for 'Save the Children'? The one that comes on really late, where the lady goes, 'For the price of a cup of coffee, 67 cents a day'? My father and I are both sitting there, thinking the exact same thing:
'Where can you get coffee for 67 cents?!'
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Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound.
The other two are goulash and squid.
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How do seedless grapes reproduce?
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A man went in to a restaurant and ordered alphabet soup. The man's alphabet soup was in front of him when a bee went inside.
The man cried out, "Waiter, Waiter, there's a bee in my alphabet soup!"
The waiter said,
"Yes, sir, and I believe all the other letters are there too."
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There was a rich man who was approached by a poor beggar asking for food.
The rich man asked,
"Do you smoke? I could give you some cigarettes."
The beggar responded, "No, I don't. I am just hungry and want food."
Then the rich man asked,
"Do you drink? I have a bottle of good whiskey I could give you."
The beggar replied, "No, I don't drink. I am just hungry and need food."
Finally the rich man asked,
"Do you gamble? I could give you some good tips on the races this weekend."
The beggar again replied, "No. I am just hungry and want some food."
Finally the rich man said,
"Well, in that case, I had better take you to my home."
He invited the beggar into his car and drove him to his very substantial home. There, he introduced the beggar to his wife, who asked,
"What are you going to do with this man? Are you going to invite him to live with us, eat our food, and wear our clothes?"
The man replied, "No, of course not. I just wanted to show you what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble."
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It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following sequence of events takes place:
1. The woman goes to the market to buy the food.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a вееr.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off".
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
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