An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”
Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low fат and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, “That’s the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fат and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for you and your fuскing’ bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.
The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.
The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her воsом because both her hands are full.
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"
The man says,
"Two's fine."
She reaches into her вrа, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says,
"You wouldn't dare!"
The Israelis and Arabs realized that if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world, so they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: A duel of two, like
David and Goliath. This would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could.
The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world.
They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other
Puppies.. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine.
After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty, ferocious beast.
When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!!
Everyone at the dog-fight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. The
Bookies all took one look and predicted the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.
The cages were opened. The Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.
The Arab dog leaped from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small рuff of fur from the Arab killer-dog’s tail floating to the ground.
The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.
The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. “We do not understand,” said their leader, “our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweillers and Siberian wolves. They developed an incredible killing machine of a dog”.
The Israeli General replied. “Well, for 5 years we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills, California, working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”