Food Jokes

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A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who was known for being a poor housekeeper.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Have these dishes ever been washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirтy dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"

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Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage-restrictive."
Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."
You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

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"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.
Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replies,
"Change comes from within."

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Oomga, a cannibal from the Congolese Amazon River Basin tribe went into the local restaurant for a bite to eat. "What's good today?" he asked the waiter.
"Today, we have an unfortunate wayward explorer from Norway. Also, we have three shipwreck survivors from the Spanish militia to pick from. But our special of the day is fabulous," the waiter continued. "She's a tarot card and crystal ball reader, one who specializes in a rather uncommon, vintage method of fortune telling."
"That settles it," Oomga replied. "I'll have the rare medium, well-done."

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I had some pie of mine that I put in the refrigerator attached with a note saying "Don't eat me."
The next day, I opened the refrigerator door. The pie was gone, but there was a note saying, "Don't tell me what to do."

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A desert locust can eat it’s own body weight in food in a single day.
The only other creature on the planet which is able to accomplish this feat is the American.

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While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time then said,
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

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I've been talking about not liking certain movies, and I've been getting heckled.... If you go to Burger King and eat that little Oreo cake, and you're like, 'this tastes like сrар,' the chef doesn't come out like, 'Hey! You make a cake! You wanna talk about cake, come back when you're up to here in yeast! Talking about cake is for cake-makers only! You wanna talk about cake, get makin' cakes!' I don't have to make a cake to know that Charlie St. Cloud was horrible.

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Got food poisoning from a restaurant today. I ordered the fish of the day… unfortunately it turns out the day was actually last week.

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Three Неll’s Angels are sitting at a table in a greasy-spoon when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.
Astonished, one of them says, “I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got shiт-faced.”
The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange.
Being quick on the uptake the second one says, “My dad says he will marry my mother next year.”
Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, “My old man will never, EVER marry my mother!”
The nun looks up from her food and says, “Would one of you ваsтаrds please pass the fuскing’ salt?”

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A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.
The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.
The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her воsом because both her hands are full.
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"
The man says,
"Two's fine."
She reaches into her вrа, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says,
"You wouldn't dare!"

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I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunк once and had sеx with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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I saw the movie 'Alive.' Did you see that movie? The movie where the plane crashes, and they eat each other to stay alive? And I'm thinking, 'Hey, this is one movie they won't be showing on the airlines.' No, not because the planes crashes, but the fact that the people in the movie are eating better than the people on the plane.

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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach...
... and now I am the proud owner of Aisle 4.

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Why do black people have big lips? So they can eat food.

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Morty to his vet:
"Doc, I have a problem with my dog."
Dr. Saul:
"Tell me more."
Morty:
"He's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth, and he can talk."
Dr. Saul:
"That's impossible!"
Morty:
"Watch this. Seth, Fetch!"
Seth:
"So why are you talking to me like that? You only call me when you want something. You make me sleep on the cold floor. You give me this сrаррy food with all the salt and fат, and you tell me it's a special diet. And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a fast рish and right back home."
Dr. Saul:
"This is remarkable! So what's the problem?"
Morty:
"He has a hearing problem. I said 'Fetch', NOT 'Kvetch'."

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One day a green grape was walking down the road when he saw a purple grape, the green grape then started hollering, "Breathe dude Breathe!"

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A kid tried talking to you with his mouth full of food
Kid: Мuff blah -mouth full of food noises- or talking with mouth full
Me: I don't understand you, try taking the diск out of your mouth and then try talking.

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