Food Jokes

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A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "What's with your hand on my steak?"
"Sorry," answers the waiter, "I don’t want it to fall on the floor again."

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The first thing I do after we order the pizza, I take off all my clothes. That way I don't have to answer the door when the pizza guy shows up.

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I do not believe in diets. The closest I've been to a diet is erasing the food searches from my browser history.

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Yo momma so sтuрid she wished for some food in morisons

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Never trust a dog to watch your food.

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Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
2. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.
3. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
4. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.
5. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
6. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
7. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
8. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

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Your mother was the only one that knew how long you could wait after you eat before you could go swimming. My mother would look at me, 'What did you have? Ham and cheese, mayonnaise? Thirty-eight minutes.'

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A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said,
"Why are you so weak?"
She said,
"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said,
"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

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A mother has realized that her three little boys have been sick lately she takes her children to the local doctor and the doctor runs some test and says the kids are low in iron in there blood so she decides to go to the local hardware store and buy some iron BBs and starts putting them in the kids food. A couple days later the youngest one come up to his mother and he tells her that he has been рissing BBs so the mom tells him not to worry bout it cause she has to iron BBs in their food so the iron levels in his blood and the youngest walks away ok with it then later that day the middle child comes up to his mother complaining about how he has been shiттing BBs and the mother tells him the same thing as the little one but then after the middle one walks away the oldest come up to her and before he says anything the mom says let me guess u have been passing BBs to and the oldest responds with no i was out behind the shed jacking off and i shot the dog

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Judge: Do you mix horse meat with chicken?
Defendant: Yes, my lord.
Judge; How much.
Defendant: 50:50
Judge: Please elaborate.
Defendant: One horse to one chicken.

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What does the dish scrambled eggs and brains have in common? Ignorant people!

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If one could get salmonella from eating raw chicken...
Can one get chickenella from eating raw salmon?

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Q. Why do Jews hate German food?
A. It gives them gas!

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It's so hot here where I live in Florida, that I walked to the store and bought some cookie dough ice cream, and by the time I got home it was cookies.

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People worry about health at the wrong times, you ever notice that? 'Ooh, there's a hair in my food.' You're eating bacon -- there's a pig's аss in your food.

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When ordering a pizza ask that it be cut in 4 slices in place of the normal 8 slices...
That way, it only counts as 4 slices on your diet!

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My mum told me to take out the trash but i couldn’t find you

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What animal gets easily offended?
The chicken; they always get roasted.

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