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Friendship Jokes

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An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China where the specialty was duck. The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table. "This is the вrеаsт of the duck; this the leg of the duck; this is the wing of the duck; etc." Then came the dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited for the explanation. Silence. "Well?" he finally asked,
"What's this?" The waiter replied, "It's a friend of duck."
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My роrn star friend recently passed away.
As a mark of respect we scattered his ashes over his wife’s face.
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Prince: so nice to meet you, your beautiful face is making me dizzy. *farts*
Princess: did you just fart
Prince: i was just blowing you a kiss with my вuтт hole.
Kickass if you get it
By meza pants so that my friends will know
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Incredible NASCAR racing season… This is just a small selection of the races prior to Memorial Day:
Daytona 500
Auto club 400
Stp 500
Sprint showdown
Coca-cola 600
Tampax 300
That last race has been sold out for months, but I was able to get four tickets for me and three of my best friends…
I had to pull a few strings to get the tickets.
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Ladies, when you have a guy friend, and he's a great guy, and you still won't date him -- do you know what that's like for the guy? It's like going on a job interview and having the guy say this to you:
'Well, Mr. Perkins, wow! This a great resume. You have the experience we've been looking for. We love your attitude. You're perfect for this job, and we're not gonna hire you. No, no, we'll probably hire someone who's far less qualified and has a drinking problem. But this is a great resume. In fact, this is the resume we're gonna use to judge all the other candidates. Now, we're not gonna hire you -- ever -- but is it OK if we do call you every now and then to complain about the guy we do hire?'
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There was a man who always acted like he knew everything. On one occasion he accompany a friend to buy a computer. Looking at an optical mouse, his friend asks "Why use light when you can use the ball?" The guy thought for a minute and said; "You can use it as a flashlight when the power goes out!"
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Feeling quite depressed. Gave my friend $10’000 for plastic surgery but now I don’t know what he looks like.
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So my mate is telling me how he traded insult for insult last night.
Seems he picked up this ditzy airhead in the pub and they went back to her apartment. She suddenly stopped their love-making.
“What’s wrong?” he asked “Did I do something wrong? Say something wrong?”
He said she just lay there, rolling her eyes and she said, “Nothing. I don’t want to talk about it.”
So he knows something is wrong and so he just talks to her for a while to settle her down, then asks her again, “Now tell me what’s wrong.”
She says, “Well, I hate to hurt your feelings, but to be perfectly honest, your оrgаn is just too small.”
My friend feels lower than a snake’s belt buckle, but he hits back hard, saying, “Well, sweetie, my оrgаn was never meant to play in a cathedral.”
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A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. “Darling,” he says. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again, “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it, “he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are.”
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently.
Up to 60.
“I want the car, too,” he continues.
65 mph.
“And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat.”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her:
“Isn’t there anything you want?”
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need.” she says.
“Oh, really?” he inquires, “So what have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him, smiles, and says, “The fсuкing airbag,аsshоlе!!”
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They say that one in five friends have difficulty sleeping.
Took me all night but I’ve narrowed it down to Alan or Steve.
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To everyone amazement the middle-aged spinster announced her engagement.
“But I thought you said all men were sтuрid,” said one friend, “and that you’d never marry!
“Yes, I did, she replied, “but then I found one who asked me.”
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A man gets married and shortly afterwards his wife dies. A friend tries to console him and asks, "What happened to your wife?"
"She died of poison from eating mushrooms," said the husband.
This man gets married a second time, and not long after the marriage, this second wife dies. The same friend tries to console the grieving husband and asks, "What happened to your second wife?"
"She died of poison from eating mushrooms," was also the reply from the husband.
This man takes a third wife and, not very long after the marriage, the third wife dies.
The consoling friend asks, "What happened to your third wife? Was it mushroom poisoning?"
The grieving husband responds, "No, she died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck!" replies the friend.
"Yes," says the husband, "she wouldn't eat her mushrooms."
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I recently broke up with my girlfriend and I was quite upset.
My friend said, “Don’t worry mate, there’s plenty more fish in the sea.”
I replied, “Yeah, but it’s not just the smell I miss.”
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A married woman has a lover. It’s no secret, her husband and all there friends know about it. One day, the woman suddenly dies. At the funeral, to the embarrassment of all, the boyfriend is there and is crying hysterically. Finally, the husband can't take anymore of it. He approaches the man, puts his arms around him and says "Please don't carry on like this. I'll marry again.
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This scientist was telling a colleague, "I have worked for many years
To develop an acid that would eat anything and I finally did it.” So I invested everything I had and could borrow into it.
“You must have made a fortune,” commented his friend. “No! I lost all my investments. I couldn't find anything to ship it in.” replied the scientist.
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My big sister’s just disappeared in her bedroom with her best friend.
They seem to have really nasty colds as I keep hearing them on the verge of sneezing.
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I had a terrible break up. My friends told me that if I want to get over my ex-girlfriend, I should get rid of anything that reminded me of her. So what I did, is I took the pillows that smelled like her, and cut them up. Then, anything we bought together, I smashed into tiny pieces. After that, I ripped up all the pictures of her. Finally, I put it all in a pile in the middle of the living room, and I lit it on fire.
Then I got the hеll out of her apartment!
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I have trouble sleeping, and I blame my diet. I've been buying a lot of those deep-friend pork skins. I'm not eating them, though. I'm just trying to reassemble a pig in my apartment.
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