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Friendship Jokes

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Steve and his Jewish friend Hymmie were eating dinner in a restaurant when, suddenly, an armed robber burst in and shouted, “This is a stick up - I want everyone to give me your wallets right now.”
At that moment, Steve felt Hymmie desperately pressing something into his hand.
Steve whispered, “Mate, don’t give me a gun- I’m not a hero.”
Hymmie replied, “It’s not a gun, it’s that £50 I owe you.”
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Ask someone to watch your bag for you. But don't actually leave it just stay there and stare at your bag with your new friend.
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We were dating two years. We broke up. It was a mutual decision. Her and all her friends got together -- they took a little vote.
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A group of fellows always enjoyed their game of golf, but one of the boys was having trouble seeing the ball. His friends kept telling him he needed glasses.
Finally, he bought himself a pair, and his game improved 100%.
Back in the clubroom, they were talking over a few beers. “You’re playing better since you got your glasses,” one said.
“You’re right, I look down, and the ball’s as big as a basketball, just can’t miss it now,” he said. After a few more beers, he said. “Gotta go to the toilet; be back in a minute.”
When he came back, the front of his trousers was all wet.
“Gee, what happened to you?” his friends asked.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “I got in there, pulled it out, and it looked too big to be mine, so I put it back.
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My good buddy Bill told me he scratched the fender on another car while in the parking lot at the grocery store. … Nothing serious, but he noticed someone in still another car watching him. … …
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He said to the guy in the other car, “I’d better leave a note on the windshield so he can call me.” … …
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Here is the note he left: … …
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Dear friend, …
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While backing out of my parking space, I put a small scratch on your fender. I told the witness in the other car that I’d leave you a note. He thinks I am giving you my phone number and license plate number. He is wrong. Have a nice day.
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A friend told me there was life outside the internet and that I should check it out.
I asked her to send me a link
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There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn’t because of their wives objections.
So one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, “I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!”
The second said, “That`s nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!”
The third said, “Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn’t have to buy my wife anything!!!”
They both looked at him and asked how he managed that!
The smartest of the three said, “It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, “Golf course or Inтеrсоursе?”
She threw me a sweater and said, “Take this; it might get chilly out there!”
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Some of my best friends are lеsвiаns. But one reason I can't be no lеsвiаn -- for example, you out on a date with your man, he start getting on your nerve, you can go to the bathroom. You can get away. But if your man is a woman, she'll follow your аss right in there.
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Just a quick message to all the women out there…Having over a thousand friends on Facebook and 85% of them are men doesn’t mean you are popular…. It means your vаginа is.
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Me; what are the 3 most used in america??
Friend; I Love You??
Me; no... Made in China
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Yo momma so ugly she ain't got no friends!
Yo momma so fат she had to say good bye to the world!
Please click kickass I only 6. Please
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I started dating this guy that I've known for a long time, and I thought, 'Oh, this'll be so great, we've been friends for a while,' until he gave me what he thought was a compliment. He said, 'Even though you used to be wafer thin and you're not anymore, I'm still just as attracted to you.' Oh yeah, he's a real smooth talker. So naturally, I'm upset about this. I call my best friend Carla, and she goes, 'You know what -- that is such сrар because, first of all, you have never been wafer thin.'
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My best friend recently became a transvestite and got a воов job. I’ll never be able to look him in the face again.
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Me: How do you make an animal to talk to you?
Friend: How?
Me: I just did.
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Two old buddies went fishing and one lost his dentures over the side of the boat in rough weather, so his prankster friend removed his own false teeth, tied them on his line and pretended he had caught the missing gnashers.
Unhooking the teeth, his grateful mate tried to put them into his mouth, then hurled them into the sea with the disgusted remark:
“They’re not mine - they don’t fit!”
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A heavily bandaged man was sitting up in bed at the hospital when his friend came to visit. "What happened to you?" the friend asked.
"Well, we went to the amusement park and decided to ride the roller coaster. As we came to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I went around again, but we went by so quickly that I still couldn't see what the sign said. By now I was determined, so I went around a third time. As we reached the top I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked his friend.
"Yes, it said remain seated at all times."
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I don’t think my friends understand that when they send me text messages and I reply with the words “Lol.”
It doesn’t mean you’re funny, It’s because I can’t think of anything else to say, so fuск off.
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My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed. … …
Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.
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