Friendship Jokes

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An engineering student was walking across campus with a shiny new mountain bike when he was approached by a friend, also an engineering student. The friend said, “Hey, where’d you get the great looking bike?”
The first engineer replied, “Well, i was walking across campus the other day. This beautiful woman rode up to me on her bike, ripped off all her clothes, laid down on the ground and said ‘Take anything you want!!!'”
The second engineer replied, “Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit anyway!”

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Visiting his parents’ retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk.
Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim’s father returned from his walk and called out, "I’m ready to leave."
Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You’re a kid?"

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“I’m going to the doctor,” says Niki.
“Why, what’s wrong?” asks her best friend Sara.
“I want to ask him how many calories there really are in sреrм.”
Sara says, “Why worry? If you’re swallowing that much, no man is going to care if you’re a bit chubby.”

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Note- my friend was drawing during PE
Girl: who is that? Friend: i'm drawing audrey hepburn
Girl: we're living in the present, not the 80s! Girl: can you draw a pic of me?
Friend: i'm sorry, I won't be able to fit your ego on the paper.

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A man who was born with no arms wished to seek employment. Fearing nobody would want to hire him with his obvious disability, he thought he'd answer a help wanted sign he saw posted at his church. He rang the веll at the rectory and when the pastor opened the door he was moved with pity. He asked,
"What can I do for you, my son?" The man said I've come to answer your help wanted ad. The pastor became concerned and said that ad is for a веll ringer. He stammered that he didn't think he'd be able to handle the job. The man pleaded and said won't you give me a chance so I can show you what I'm capable of? The pastor relented and hired him. The time came when the church веll had to be rung. The man made his way under the веll, took a running start and threw his body against the веll which resulted in a booming "BONNGGGG" as soon as the vibrations subsided, he took another running start and threw his body into the other side of the веll with the expected result of "BONNNGG" . . . and so it went. Now our armless friend was at the job for several months to the delight of the pastor. One day the guy was running late and in his haste he ran up to the belfry and got his running leap at the веll without first getting under the веll. As he ran right off the side of the tower he screamed. Everyone from within the church filed out and just stared. Finally somebody said "poor fellow, does anybody knows who he is?" To which came the answer from someone in the back . . . "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a веll."

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Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.

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Just found a self help book that has a 90% discount but the book is in Spanish and none of my Spanish friends have the time to come over to my house to help me read it.

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Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team's bench. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it.
"Yeah, it was great," she said. "I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don't get why all the fuss about a quarter!"
Charlie is confused. "A quarter?"
"At the beginning of the game," she explained, "I saw the two guys flip a quarter. Then the rest of the game, all they said was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hello! It's only 25 cents!"

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A tired hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. “Am I glad to see you!” he said. “I’ve been lost for three days.”
“Don’t get too excited, friend,” the other hunter replied. “I’ve been lost for three weeks.”

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One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ollie, of his habit of biting his nails. …
…
“Good gracious,” said Hilda, “How did yew ever dew that?” …
…
“It vas really simple,” was Lena’s reply. “I yust hid his false teeth.”

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There was two little boys playing down by the river. All of a sudden one boy ran up the river and peeked through the bushes. the other followed and peered with his friend. they were looking at a nакеd lady washing in the river. The boy that followed started running and his friend came after him and asked" where are you going?" the one boy that first ran said" my mom told me if i ever see a nакеd lady i will turn to stone. i felt something hard so i started running!"

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I got enough friends in my life: I got a mother, I got a sister, I got cousins I can't sleep with because of society.

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How do i turn off caps lock? i accidentally turned it on yesterday and i don't know how to turn it back off. All my friends are mad because they think i am shouting at them over internet. Please help!!!

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1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
4. Always give people a friendly greeting.
5. If it's not wet and sloppy... It's not a good kiss.

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My Indian friend and I decided to have a moustache growing contest.
She won.

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I know where my daughter is every night. She's with her friends. They come to my house, they go in her room, they close the door, and they light incense. I don't know what's going on in there -- like, I think there's a Zen Buddhist meeting in my apartment.

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A cannibal visited the witch doctor with a serious skin rash.
The doctor gave him a small рот of grease to rub on.
He returned next week completely cured. " Wonderful stuff what is it" he said
"My best friend died . I boiled him in a рот for six days then skimmed the grease off" he replied.
" What do you call it?" Said the cannibal.
" Pal o' mine lotion" replied the witch doctor.

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One day Superman was feeling a bit hot.
So he asked his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
‘Hey Batman! Who’s good?’
‘ Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sеx in comic land. Why don’t you try her?’ replied Batman
‘I’d love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends.
So I don’t really want to take advantage of her.’
Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying nакеd, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart.
Superman was tempted.
He thought to himself, ‘I’m faster than a speeding bullet.
I can be in and out of there before she even knows I ‘m there.’
So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.
Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed ___expression.
‘What the hеll was that??’ she exclaimed.
‘I don’t know,’ said the Invisible Man as he rolled off.
‘But my frickin’ аrsе is killing me.

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