Friendship Jokes

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OK, this friend of mine asked me to go camping during my two week vacation. Camping - that’s the dumbest vacation I ever heard of in my life. What? I’m gonna work all year so I can go out and pretend I’m homeless?

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Two guys are in a car. The driver comes to a stoplight and goes right through it. His friend says,
" What are you doing." The driver says,
" Its ok my brother does it all the time." They come up to another stoplight and they go right through. His friend says, “You are out of your mind.” The driver says, “Its ok my brother does it all the time.” They come up to a green light and he stops. His friend says, “Its green, go.” Driver says, I can’t my brother might be coming!

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I don't know if you can tell by my overall vibe, I am a friendly fellow. I'm the kind of guy that likes to get to the airport a couple hours early, get a few white wines in me and start telling old people they still got it.

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Don't tell a lot about yourself, behind your back will tell more interestingly about you.

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I look down, I see this big dog sitting there licking himself, like dogs do. I turn to my friend, I say, 'I wish I could do that.' He said, 'Go over and pet him, maybe he'll let you.'

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Q. Why is the реnis the saddest part of the human body?
A. Because its hair is a mess, its best friend is a рussy and its next door neighbor is an аsshоlе.

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My friend: you where a mistake your parents didn't want a kid like you!
Me: well at least I wasn't born on a interstate where accidents happen!!!!!
Other friends: OHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIT!

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The doctor was on his daily round of the mental asylum and had just entered the room of two of his long term patients. One was sawing imaginary wood into hundreds of pieces and the other was hanging upside down from the ceiling.
“What are you doing?” the doctor asked the first man.
“I’m sawing wood,” he said, “isn’t that obvious?”
“Well, what’s your friend doing?”
“Oh, don’t mind him, he thinks he’s a lightbulb.”
“Don’t you think you should help him down before all the blood rushes to his head?” continued the doctor.
“What!” exclaimed the man, “and work in the fuскing dark!”

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Got an iPad from my Chinese friend…
Nothing beats homemade gifts.

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I knocked on my neighbours door and said, “My son was just about to cut the grass but he can’t seem to operate the lawnmower properly, could I borrow yours?”
“Yeah, sure” he replied.
I said, “Great, tell him to hurry up, I’ve got friends coming round for a barbecue in an hour.”

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Do I get a little jealous when my single friends come to me with wild stories about exotic nights with strippers? Sure, but at the same time look at all these model ships I've been able to build.

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Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...

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My friends all got really into that show 'The Deadliest Catch.' But I never watched it 'cause I always just assumed it was about AIDS. It's about сrавs. Don't tune in looking for that 'Big AIDS Hour.'

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An engineering student was walking across campus with a shiny new mountain bike when he was approached by a friend, also an engineering student. The friend said, “Hey, where’d you get the great looking bike?”
The first engineer replied, “Well, i was walking across campus the other day. This beautiful woman rode up to me on her bike, ripped off all her clothes, laid down on the ground and said ‘Take anything you want!!!'”
The second engineer replied, “Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit anyway!”

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Visiting his parents’ retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk.
Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim’s father returned from his walk and called out, "I’m ready to leave."
Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You’re a kid?"

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“I’m going to the doctor,” says Niki.
“Why, what’s wrong?” asks her best friend Sara.
“I want to ask him how many calories there really are in sреrм.”
Sara says, “Why worry? If you’re swallowing that much, no man is going to care if you’re a bit chubby.”

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The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut.
When his friend arrived, he went to the hut's opening to greet him. Just then, the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king and killed him.
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.

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Note- my friend was drawing during PE
Girl: who is that? Friend: i'm drawing audrey hepburn
Girl: we're living in the present, not the 80s! Girl: can you draw a pic of me?
Friend: i'm sorry, I won't be able to fit your ego on the paper.

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