Friendship Jokes

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I think my friend Steve is gаy but i’m not sure, I can never remember names.

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KID 1: That's why you don't have any friends now
KID 2: The only time you hang out with yours is when you look in the mirror

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I've seen this at the Big N' Tall store, a pair of pants in a size 50w/30l. Friend, when your pant size is also a motor oil viscosity, I think there's a need for redirection in your diet program.

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My friend who is very small, told me he was pick pocketed. I was shocked, I never thought somebody could stoop so low…

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OK, this friend of mine asked me to go camping during my two week vacation. Camping - that’s the dumbest vacation I ever heard of in my life. What? I’m gonna work all year so I can go out and pretend I’m homeless?

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Two guys are in a car. The driver comes to a stoplight and goes right through it. His friend says,
" What are you doing." The driver says,
" Its ok my brother does it all the time." They come up to another stoplight and they go right through. His friend says, “You are out of your mind.” The driver says, “Its ok my brother does it all the time.” They come up to a green light and he stops. His friend says, “Its green, go.” Driver says, I can’t my brother might be coming!

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I don't know if you can tell by my overall vibe, I am a friendly fellow. I'm the kind of guy that likes to get to the airport a couple hours early, get a few white wines in me and start telling old people they still got it.

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Inflation is creeping up,” a young man said to his friend. “Yesterday I ordered a $25.00 steak in a restaurant and told them to put it on my American Express card - and it fit.”

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Don't tell a lot about yourself, behind your back will tell more interestingly about you.

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I look down, I see this big dog sitting there licking himself, like dogs do. I turn to my friend, I say, 'I wish I could do that.' He said, 'Go over and pet him, maybe he'll let you.'

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Q. Why is the реnis the saddest part of the human body?
A. Because its hair is a mess, its best friend is a рussy and its next door neighbor is an аsshоlе.

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My friend: you where a mistake your parents didn't want a kid like you!
Me: well at least I wasn't born on a interstate where accidents happen!!!!!
Other friends: OHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIT!

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Got an iPad from my Chinese friend…
Nothing beats homemade gifts.

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I knocked on my neighbours door and said, “My son was just about to cut the grass but he can’t seem to operate the lawnmower properly, could I borrow yours?”
“Yeah, sure” he replied.
I said, “Great, tell him to hurry up, I’ve got friends coming round for a barbecue in an hour.”

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Do I get a little jealous when my single friends come to me with wild stories about exotic nights with strippers? Sure, but at the same time look at all these model ships I've been able to build.

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Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...

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Two friends are driving in a car. Phil, from the passenger seat, is yelling instructions.
"You idiот! You were supposed to turn left!"
"Make a U-Turn now! You're going to get lost!"
"OK then, merge left onto the freeway."
"Duммy, you missed the freeway! Now it's going to take forever to get where you're going!" You're hopeless!
"Say, Phil, what's up with that ornery voice?"asks Tom, from the driver seat.
"Sorry, Tom, that's my GPS-WAAS talking."
"What's a GPS-WAA?"
"GPS With An Attitude!"

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My friends all got really into that show 'The Deadliest Catch.' But I never watched it 'cause I always just assumed it was about AIDS. It's about сrавs. Don't tune in looking for that 'Big AIDS Hour.'

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