Friendship Jokes

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KID 1: That's why you don't have any friends now
KID 2: The only time you hang out with yours is when you look in the mirror

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I've seen this at the Big N' Tall store, a pair of pants in a size 50w/30l. Friend, when your pant size is also a motor oil viscosity, I think there's a need for redirection in your diet program.

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The sheep were standing around talking to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "mooooooooooo".
They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before. "Mooooo, moooooo, mmmooo!"
One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face and then asks, "George, why are you mooing? You’re a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"
His friend replies gladly, "I know, I thought I would learn a foreign language!"

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OK, this friend of mine asked me to go camping during my two week vacation. Camping - that’s the dumbest vacation I ever heard of in my life. What? I’m gonna work all year so I can go out and pretend I’m homeless?

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Two guys are in a car. The driver comes to a stoplight and goes right through it. His friend says,
" What are you doing." The driver says,
" Its ok my brother does it all the time." They come up to another stoplight and they go right through. His friend says, “You are out of your mind.” The driver says, “Its ok my brother does it all the time.” They come up to a green light and he stops. His friend says, “Its green, go.” Driver says, I can’t my brother might be coming!

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I don't know if you can tell by my overall vibe, I am a friendly fellow. I'm the kind of guy that likes to get to the airport a couple hours early, get a few white wines in me and start telling old people they still got it.

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Inflation is creeping up,” a young man said to his friend. “Yesterday I ordered a $25.00 steak in a restaurant and told them to put it on my American Express card - and it fit.”

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Don't tell a lot about yourself, behind your back will tell more interestingly about you.

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I look down, I see this big dog sitting there licking himself, like dogs do. I turn to my friend, I say, 'I wish I could do that.' He said, 'Go over and pet him, maybe he'll let you.'

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Q. Why is the реnis the saddest part of the human body?
A. Because its hair is a mess, its best friend is a рussy and its next door neighbor is an аsshоlе.

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My friend: you where a mistake your parents didn't want a kid like you!
Me: well at least I wasn't born on a interstate where accidents happen!!!!!
Other friends: OHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIT!

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The doctor was on his daily round of the mental asylum and had just entered the room of two of his long term patients. One was sawing imaginary wood into hundreds of pieces and the other was hanging upside down from the ceiling.
“What are you doing?” the doctor asked the first man.
“I’m sawing wood,” he said, “isn’t that obvious?”
“Well, what’s your friend doing?”
“Oh, don’t mind him, he thinks he’s a lightbulb.”
“Don’t you think you should help him down before all the blood rushes to his head?” continued the doctor.
“What!” exclaimed the man, “and work in the fuскing dark!”

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I knocked on my neighbours door and said, “My son was just about to cut the grass but he can’t seem to operate the lawnmower properly, could I borrow yours?”
“Yeah, sure” he replied.
I said, “Great, tell him to hurry up, I’ve got friends coming round for a barbecue in an hour.”

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Do I get a little jealous when my single friends come to me with wild stories about exotic nights with strippers? Sure, but at the same time look at all these model ships I've been able to build.

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Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...

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Two friends are driving in a car. Phil, from the passenger seat, is yelling instructions.
"You idiот! You were supposed to turn left!"
"Make a U-Turn now! You're going to get lost!"
"OK then, merge left onto the freeway."
"Duммy, you missed the freeway! Now it's going to take forever to get where you're going!" You're hopeless!
"Say, Phil, what's up with that ornery voice?"asks Tom, from the driver seat.
"Sorry, Tom, that's my GPS-WAAS talking."
"What's a GPS-WAA?"
"GPS With An Attitude!"

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My friends all got really into that show 'The Deadliest Catch.' But I never watched it 'cause I always just assumed it was about AIDS. It's about сrавs. Don't tune in looking for that 'Big AIDS Hour.'

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An engineering student was walking across campus with a shiny new mountain bike when he was approached by a friend, also an engineering student. The friend said, “Hey, where’d you get the great looking bike?”
The first engineer replied, “Well, i was walking across campus the other day. This beautiful woman rode up to me on her bike, ripped off all her clothes, laid down on the ground and said ‘Take anything you want!!!'”
The second engineer replied, “Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit anyway!”

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