Friendship Jokes

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Maurice was known among his friend for the promptness with which he sent his ex-wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his rush, he shivered and explained, “I’m afraid that if I ever should fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me.”

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Blonde: hey i got a a compliment on my driving today.
Friend:how???
Blonde:when i got outside i had a piece of paper on my car that said "parking fine"
Friend: Fuскing blondes.

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Then there's a friend who only calls me when she's depressed. You all know people like this: I'm on the phone with her for three hours; it's a waste of time. She never listens to my advice -- she will not jump.

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Me: Dаммiт i didn't pass my test
Friend: HAH, fail
Me: :(... Your dads соndом was a fail

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Friend: I know what you are but what am I ?
You: I don't want to tell you cause then I'll make you cry
Friend: Look in the mirror and you'll see why
You: Well, that's why hello kitty doesn't want to say hi

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- A friend of mine went fishing today and caught a rainbow trout. ….
….
He threw it back ’cause he said he didn’t wanna fry up no gаy fish.

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An Inventor patiently сhiрs a piece of flint into the first knife ever. … …
…
His friend:
“That’s the greatest invention since bread.” …
…
Inventor:
“Well I’m about to вlоw your mind.”

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I called a car phone the other day for the first time. I did something I thought was kind of sтuрid, considering my friend never answered and I was calling a car. Think about this -- I let the phone ring 11 times. Did I think perhaps my friend was in another part of the vehicle? He's going to pick up the phone out of breath -- 'Sorry, came in from the trunk. Man, I have got to get a cordless. One phone is not enough for this Chevette.'

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Friend: You wanna hangout today?
Me: I can't, I am grounded.
Friend: For what?
Me: My mom and I got in an argument, and she said,
"SON OF A ВIТСН!" so I said,
"Yes, i am a son of a вiтсh!"
Friend: HAHAHA That's why you are my friend. xD

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Two friends ran into each other at Starbucks the other day and got to talking about what was new.
Sally said,
"I'm thinking of starting an OCD support group at my house."
Rhonda answered, "Really? I didn't know you had an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder."
Sally said,
"I don't , I just want to get my house cleaned."

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Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.

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My best friend is a real dunce. He just got fired from his job.
He told his boss he was too tired to go into work last night.
He's a mattress tester!

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What did the sick fish say to his friend?
I'm a little green around the gills.

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I think my friend Steve is gаy but i’m not sure, I can never remember names.

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KID 1: That's why you don't have any friends now
KID 2: The only time you hang out with yours is when you look in the mirror

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I've seen this at the Big N' Tall store, a pair of pants in a size 50w/30l. Friend, when your pant size is also a motor oil viscosity, I think there's a need for redirection in your diet program.

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The sheep were standing around talking to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "mooooooooooo".
They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before. "Mooooo, moooooo, mmmooo!"
One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face and then asks, "George, why are you mooing? You’re a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"
His friend replies gladly, "I know, I thought I would learn a foreign language!"

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My friend who is very small, told me he was pick pocketed. I was shocked, I never thought somebody could stoop so low…

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