Friendship Jokes

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A guy was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend came to visit him.
The guy struggles to tell his friend, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."
"What does she read?" the friend asks.
"My life insurance policy."

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Maurice was known among his friend for the promptness with which he sent his ex-wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his rush, he shivered and explained, “I’m afraid that if I ever should fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me.”

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Blonde: hey i got a a compliment on my driving today.
Friend:how???
Blonde:when i got outside i had a piece of paper on my car that said "parking fine"
Friend: Fuскing blondes.

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You know you’re getting old when your best friend tells you he's having an affair and you want to know if it's catered

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Me: Dаммiт i didn't pass my test
Friend: HAH, fail
Me: :(... Your dads соndом was a fail

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Friend: I know what you are but what am I ?
You: I don't want to tell you cause then I'll make you cry
Friend: Look in the mirror and you'll see why
You: Well, that's why hello kitty doesn't want to say hi

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- A friend of mine went fishing today and caught a rainbow trout. ….
….
He threw it back ’cause he said he didn’t wanna fry up no gаy fish.

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An Inventor patiently сhiрs a piece of flint into the first knife ever. … …
…
His friend:
“That’s the greatest invention since bread.” …
…
Inventor:
“Well I’m about to вlоw your mind.”

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I called a car phone the other day for the first time. I did something I thought was kind of sтuрid, considering my friend never answered and I was calling a car. Think about this -- I let the phone ring 11 times. Did I think perhaps my friend was in another part of the vehicle? He's going to pick up the phone out of breath -- 'Sorry, came in from the trunk. Man, I have got to get a cordless. One phone is not enough for this Chevette.'

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Friend: You wanna hangout today?
Me: I can't, I am grounded.
Friend: For what?
Me: My mom and I got in an argument, and she said,
"SON OF A ВIТСН!" so I said,
"Yes, i am a son of a вiтсh!"
Friend: HAHAHA That's why you are my friend. xD

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Two friends ran into each other at Starbucks the other day and got to talking about what was new.
Sally said,
"I'm thinking of starting an OCD support group at my house."
Rhonda answered, "Really? I didn't know you had an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder."
Sally said,
"I don't , I just want to get my house cleaned."

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Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.

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Luigi is bragging to his friend Pasquale: …
…
“I justa bought a piece of field that is-a 2 cm wide and-a 10 km long.” …
“What-a on Earth are you going to do with a field-a like that? … not even-a one inch by six-a miles?”
….
“Grow-a spaghetti, of course.”

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What did the sick fish say to his friend?
I'm a little green around the gills.

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I think my friend Steve is gаy but i’m not sure, I can never remember names.

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KID 1: That's why you don't have any friends now
KID 2: The only time you hang out with yours is when you look in the mirror

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I've seen this at the Big N' Tall store, a pair of pants in a size 50w/30l. Friend, when your pant size is also a motor oil viscosity, I think there's a need for redirection in your diet program.

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The sheep were standing around talking to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "mooooooooooo".
They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before. "Mooooo, moooooo, mmmooo!"
One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face and then asks, "George, why are you mooing? You’re a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"
His friend replies gladly, "I know, I thought I would learn a foreign language!"

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